June 21, 2008
by quirky cricket
Summary: Carlos and Dorothy Ann are getting married, which is chaotic enough, but having the perfect wedding when your friends have their own visions of the wedding is something entirely different. Strong T for language and situations, but mostly language.
1. Prologue

**Prologue **

**Arnold:  
**After graduating from Walker State University in political science, Arnold entered law school at UC Berkeley, where he's mostly interested in corporate law – "the boring kind." He still enjoys maintaining his rock collection, but geology has become a hobby for him rather than a career. He still attends GRANITE meetings. Arnold currently lives in an apartment with many leather-bound books in Berkeley.

**Carlos:**  
Carlos graduated from Walker State in business management, and after getting sick of making copies for a living, opened up a bar with a few of his friends in 2005, with some mild success. He's consistently tormented by his friends for being a Mexican-American who opened an Irish pub, but maintains that he likes the Irish theme better. Carlos lives in downtown Walkerville, in a Spartan apartment above the bar.

**Dorothy Ann:**  
Dorothy Ann loves to rub in Arnold's face that she's going to law school at Stanford after earning her BS in political science and philosophy. She hopes to be a federal defender for California state, but that won't happen until after a few more years of law school. DA lives in a studio in San Jose.

**Janet:**  
Janet is working on her master's in human sexuality, after graduating from Walker State in psychology with an emphasis on sexuality. She's hoping to be a sex therapist and help people through intimacy issues, as well as past childhood traumas. Janet lives in her landlord's basement in Walkerville.

**Keesha:**  
Keesha is a reporter for the Walkerville Star, after earning her journalism BS. She's currently working full-time, with no real time for much screwing around on the side. She's on track to become a news editor in a few years, and has no plans on returning for her master's. Keesha lives in Walkerville, in a swanky one-bedroom loft.

**Phoebe:**  
Although she got a minor in literature, Phoebe is currently attending veterinary school. She plans on going into rescue and working in shelters, especially in rehabilitating abused and neglected dogs, although she hasn't ruled out being a general veterinarian. Phoebe rents a house with a yard, where she fosters rescued animals from local shelters.

**Ralphie:**  
Ralphie is nearly finished with his master's in physical therapy. He plans on going into physical therapy as a profession, especially with athletes and using sports in rehabilitation. He lives in Walkerville, where he's working an externship in a local physical therapy office.

**Tim:**  
Tim is in a fairly successful local band, but spends most of his time working as a civil engineer. Although most of his friends think of his as mainly artistic, Tim is incredibly logical and is one of the bright young engineers. He has been accepted to Stanford's masters program and will be attending in the fall. Tim currently lives in Walkerville, but is looking into an apartment near Dorothy Ann.

**Wanda:**  
Wanda earned her bachelor's in sociology and criminology from Walker State, and has applied to the CIA. She's currently bartending at Carlos' bar; making a killing on nights she's more demonstrative in her dress and affections. She lives in a one-bedroom apartment in downtown Walkerville that is expertly decorated, as one of her many hobbies is interior design.


	2. Dorothy Ann is not pregnant

**1. Dorothy Ann is not pregnant **

**July 2007 – 11 months to go**

Wanda almost dropped the phone. "YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?" She shrieked. "Dude, are you pregnant or something?"

DA laughed, "No, but I haven't told the others yet, so keep your mouth shut." She had a feeling it was a bad idea to tell Wanda a secret, but she'd promised Wanda in second grade that she'd be the first to hear about her wedding. "It's in June."

"This June?" Wanda was puzzled. She checked her calendar to make sure it was actually July, which it had been for nearly a week.

"This June was over last week," DA sighed. "Next June. June 21, 2008. You might want to write that down."

"Okay, got it." Wanda lied, but DA knew she didn't write it down. At least Wanda had learned to pause for a little while before pretending she'd written it down before wasting precious time arguing with people about how she really couldn't write that fast.

* * *

The next week, the girls gathered at a café for lunch. Everyone had a feeling something was up; it was a nicer café than usual. 

"So why are we all here?" Phoebe asked, stabbing several leaves of lettuce before lifting the fork to her mouth.

"Yeah, this is a pretty classy place, DA." Keesha added. "Do you have cancer or something?"

"No," DA rolled her eyes and shot a look at Wanda, who was probably about to ask about cancer. "I don't have cancer."

"Oh good," Wanda sighed. "Are you pregnant?"

"No!" DA cried. "Will you shut up for a second?" Keesha, Phoebe, and Wanda looked at her expectantly. They wanted to say "yes," but they were being quiet as per DA's request, which confused her. "I can't say it now. You're all looking at me funny."

"I can tell them," Wanda offered kindly. DA's eyes grew huge. "Oops."

"Wait, Wanda already knows?" Keesha asked, getting angry. "Why did you tell her first?"

"I promised I would!" DA whined. "Can we not fight?"

"I still don't understand how you told Wanda…" Keesha looked back at her plate. DA tried to focus her attention on Phoebe, who was less likely to get mad, especially when she heard the word "wedding."

"I'm getting married!" She exclaimed, biting her lip in anticipation.

"To Carlos?" Keesha asked.

"Of course to Carlos!" DA rolled her eyes, and wanted to say something about how dumb her friends were being, except that didn't work too well with her next request. "And I want you to be my bridesmaids!"

"Seriously?" Phoebe squealed.

"Aren't you supposed to ask?" Keesha pointed out.

"Well I wasn't assigning," DA sighed. "I mean, I'm asking if you will."

"I'd love to!" Phoebe clapped her hands together in delight.

"Me too!" Keesha chimed in.

"And me!" Wanda exclaimed. "Am I the maid of honor?"

"Actually, no." DA looked around uncomfortably. "Evan is."

"That makes sense," Phoebe nodded. Keesha and Wanda both seemed disappointed. Evan was six years younger than DA, turning 17 in June. DA got the feeling that this wasn't going to be as easy as she hoped, but she shrugged it off.

* * *

"Ralphie, will you wipe the bar down if I let you have a free beer?" Carlos asked. He didn't feel like opening the bar for the onslaught of Friday night. 

"Fine." Ralphie rolled his eyes and took the rag. "But I'm not going to end up doing your shit work here."

"Why not? It's fun!" Carlos tried. "Isn't it fun, Wanda?"

"Sure." Wanda shrugged. "So have you – " Carlos turned sharply and stared at her.

"Wait until Arnold gets here." Carlos insisted.

"Are you just trying to get us to buy stuff from you?" Tim asked, drinking from a mug. "Because I'd rather pay my tuition and everything."

"You'd rather pursue your selfish dreams and watch me starve?" Carlos said. "That's really heartless, man."

A loud scuffle came from the back door and Arnold nearly fell. "You need to fix that door." He said.

"You're way overdressed." Ralphie raised his eyebrows. Arnold was wearing a suit.

"I was helping out with a case!" Arnold argued. "And I think I look snazzy."

"Wanda, get everyone beers." Carlos ordered. "Except Ralphie. Wait for him to finish wiping the bar down."

"You son of a bitch," Ralphie shook his head. "I should spit on the bar and call the health inspectors."

"DA and I are getting married." Carlos announced. "And I'd like you guys to be my groomsmen."

"Sweet!" Tim raised his glass, and the others followed suit. They all drank. "When is this shindig?"

"Next June." Carlos said. "So you gents have some parties to plan, tuxes to rent, all that stuff."

"DA's already getting you on board with planning?" Arnold teased. "You're whipped."

"Shut up," Carlos rolled his eyes. "I can't let her do it all herself!"

"Are you getting married because she's pregnant?" Wanda asked, disgusted that none of the guys had thought of this.

"For the last time, Wanda, NO." Carlos sighed. "She warned me about you."

"So are you doing the best man/maid of honor thing?" Ralphie asked.

"Yes," Wanda replied from the bar.

"Butt out, will you, Wanda?" Carlos cried.

"I think Arnold should be the best man." Wanda said quickly before butting out. She was convinced that once DA realized that Evan couldn't plan anything involving alcohol or nudity, that she'd be demoted from maid of honor. Wanda had found out about the wedding first, and had been friends with DA since elementary school. It made sense. She was also convinced that she'd look the best walking up the aisle with Arnold, who had matured into a tall and eerily pretty man. It was certainly not a job she was about to let go to Keesha.

"When you get married, Arnold can be your best man." Carlos retorted. "I'm going with Mikey."

Mikey (who preferred "Mike" as he got older) and Evan had always hated being seen together, especially since their older siblings became engaged. Evan was still in high school and was dating the captain of the football team, something Mike never could have been. Mike was happily pursuing his electrical engineering degree at Stanford and wasn't at all focused on dating.

"Cool," Ralphie shrugged. "Let me know if you need help with anything."

"We are all going to look awesome in tuxes." Carlos smirked. "It's going to be like prom, only better."

* * *

"Why don't you like this one, Dorothy Ann?" Ellen Mauer asked as DA looked at herself in the mirror of a bridal shop. She was wearing a dress with a tight bodice, a higher neckline, and short sleeves that severely limited her range of motion. 

"I don't know." DA managed, moving her arms around a bit. "I wish it didn't have sleeves."

"It actually looks good." Evan rolled her eyes. "It's not screaming 'look at my huge boobs.'"

"Evan!" Ellen insisted. "I think it looks nice – I like the modest look on you."

"It's not that I don't want to be modest," DA sighed. "I just don't like the way it looks on me." She thought she looked like a marshmallow.

"Well then try on one that makes you look like a hooker." Evan popped her gum.

"Evan, be nice to your sister." Ellen ordered. "Dorothy Ann, please don't wear something that will make your grandma blush."

"For crying out loud, mom!" DA exclaimed. "If you let me pick a dress, I'm not going to pick one that makes me look like a floozy!"

"Yeah, you will." Evan said under her breath.

"Shut up!" DA yelled, attracting the attention of everyone in the store. "Does she have to be here?"

"Yeah, mom, can I go?" Evan asked.

"Fine," Ellen threw her arms in the air. "Let's just all go home now. This was obviously a bad idea for me to get involved in my oldest daughter's wedding. Silly me."

"Mom, that's not what I meant." DA's tone dropped.

"Well it's what's happening. Get changed." Ellen ordered. "We're going home."

* * *

"And then if I'm the maid of honor, I'd have to walk up the aisle with Mikey." Wanda pointed out to Phoebe. 

"What's the problem with that?" Phoebe asked.

"He's not _Arnold_." Wanda argued. "You should've seen Arnold in his suit today. I almost melted on the floor and spazzed out."

"I've seen Arnold in a suit." Phoebe tried.

"Whatever. It's not the same." Wanda folded her arms indignantly.

"Wanda, I've seen Arnold naked." Phoebe reminded her. "I took his v-card, remember?"

"Can we please not talk about that so we can talk about how to get me and him in the sack together?" Wanda insisted.

"I'm not going to buy into your diabolical schemes on Arnold, okay?" Phoebe stood up. "I have to go feed the dogs."

"Dogs? As in more than one?" Wanda asked, tiptoeing behind Phoebe.

"As in four," Phoebe turned. She opened the door to the backyard and Wanda saw four furballs run at Phoebe. "Aren't they cute?"

"They're terrifying, Phoebe." Wanda admitted. She wasn't afraid of dogs, just worried when there were four of them rushing toward her. "Will you please help me?"

"No," Phoebe said, scooping a bowl full of kibble.

"Do you think I have a chance?" Wanda pleaded.

"I don't know," Phoebe set the bowl down and picked up another. "I don't know what he'll say."

"You guys dated all through high school," Wanda said.

"Well, you dated Ralphie, is he secretly in love with me?" Phoebe asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" Wanda retorted.

"Exactly." Phoebe retorted.

"Why, do you like him? Because I can arrange something…" Wanda offered.

"Wanda, seriously!" Phoebe turned around. "There's nothing I can do to read his mind, and if you're being this crazy about it, I wouldn't if I could!"

"You're no help." Wanda was disappointed. "This is my one chance to hook up with Arnold, something I've wanted since I was so little, and you won't help me."

"Grow up, Wanda." Phoebe rolled her eyes.

* * *

"So what are we going to be wearing?" Keesha asked DA over the phone. 

"I was thinking violet and blue for the colors. I think Carlos also wants yellow." DA mused.

"If you put me in yellow, I'm going to kill you. Just sayin." Keesha said flatly.

"Fine, you won't wear yellow." DA rolled her eyes and wondered if her friends ever considered how many of their demands she had to take into account. "But if I have to, it's just one day."

"And you'll die over it." Keesha argued. "I'm not having my picture taken – to be looked at for all eternity – looking like a bee."

"Come on," DA whined. "You won't look like a bee."

"You haven't seen me in yellow. I look like an old banana." Keesha wasn't budging.

"When you get married, you can put me in whatever color you want." DA begged.

"IF I ever get married, you'll still be dead from making me wear yellow." Keesha insisted. "So do you need help shopping or anything?"

"Yes." DA sighed. "My sister's convinced I want to dress like a slut and my mom wants me to wear something that will cover every inch of my body. I need serious help."

"Name the time and place." Keesha smiled. "Just remember how nice I was to you and how Wanda's trying to boss you around. She should wear yellow."

"Can we drop it?" DA asked, frustrated. "I don't even know if yellow will be one of the colors."

"Fine." Keesha said. "I'm also supposed to tell you that Wanda's after Arnold in a serious way, so take that into consideration when planning your get-togethers."

"I can't take everything into consideration!" DA nearly shouted. "I've already got too much on my plate."

"Chill out, do you need help with anything?" Keesha asked. "Guest list? Invitations? What are you doing this early anyway?"

"Dammit, the guest list." DA sighed. "I have to go over that with my folks tomorrow, then go talk to Carlos about it."

"Well let me know if you need help with anything." Keesha offered. "That's what I'm here for."

* * *

"Do we have to talk about the wedding?" Carlos whined. "We've been engaged for less than a month and I'm already sick of it." 

"If we get the big stuff out of the way now – like the budget – then we'll be golden." DA grinned.

"And I have to help?"

"Do you want me to do all of this myself?" DA asked, slightly irritated.

"You don't want to know the answer to that." Carlos confessed.

"You would really have me plan the most important day of our lives by myself?" DA demanded.

"Well, when you put it that way, I sound mean." Carlos sighed. "I'm just a bit sick of it."

"We haven't done any planning yet!" DA argued. "And we have to do the budget."

"Aren't your parents paying for everything?" Carlos smiled. It was nice that DA's family had been rich for a few generations, thanks to the gold rush.

"Up to a point – they're only going to shell out ten thousand."

"Ten thousand dollars?" Carlos nearly went bug-eyed. "We should be able to have three weddings for that much!"

"Well, rings, flowers, my dress, food… it adds up quickly." DA calculated. She'd lost all anger with Carlos once he started cooperating with her. "We just can't go overboard on the guest list and we should be fine."

"We've both got big families, though." Carlos worried.

"And my family's going to want to bring a lot of friends." DA added. "Let's try to keep it under 200 people, okay?"

"Okay." Carlos put his arms around her and kissed her. Wedding planning wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

"Two hundred people? Dorothy Ann, I _know _two hundred people who've been waiting to see you get married." Ellen sighed. "You have to cut costs on something. Does Carlos have to bring all his barfly friends?" 

"It's his family, Mom." DA protested. "They have to come before your and Dad's country club friends."

"Who's paying for this wedding, Dorothy Ann?" Her mother used her full name whenever she was irked. "Besides, I haven't even met these people. How do I know I want them at your wedding?"

"MOM!" DA sighed. "They're Carlos' family."

"Maybe if you'd bothered to introduce us…" Ellen raised her eyebrows.

"Fine. I'll arrange a dinner or something." DA was glad she didn't live with her parents any more – they drove her insane. She dialed Carlos' number.

"Hey, babe, want to come over before the bar opens and mess around?" He asked.

"Carlos, my mom doesn't want your family to come – your parents have to meet my parents." DA was used to ignoring Carlos' propositioning. "And fooling around, as great as it sounds, isn't going to help the situation here at all."

"I don't know about that," Carlos' tone was mischievous. "It solves a lot of things."

"Just invite your parents to dinner next Saturday." DA spat out. "I've got to go. Love you." She closed the phone and went back out to talk to her mother. "Next Saturday night. Carlos is passing the word on to his parents, and then we'll have a time."

"Great." Her mom smiled.

* * *

**Any and all feedback you have is welcome. Thanks!**


	3. Wanda is not a terrorist

**2. Wanda is not a terrorist  
**

**August ****2007 – 10 months to go**

"Mr. and Mrs. Ramon, what a pleasure to meet you!" Ellen and Richard Mauer said in nearly perfect unison. Dorothy Ann was not looking forward to this meal, no matter how many times Carlos tried to calm her down.

"Likewise! We've heard so much about you!" Mike Ramon replied. (Carlos' little brother was Michael Diego Ramon, Jr.) Carlos' mother, Mirabel, hugged Ellen warmly. DA and Carlos exchanged looks. _This was going well._

"This isn't so bad," Carlos whispered. "It's going really well!"

"I know," DA grinned.

"What are you two lovebirds talking about?" Mirabel rolled her eyes. "Let's eat!"

Dinner was only minimally awkward, and that was before Mr. Ramon started telling stories about Carlos as a child. "I can only imagine what the 911 operator was thinking when I told him my four year old boy had stuck his – his privates into a bottle and couldn't get it out!" Mrs. Ramon laughed. The Mauers weren't sure they wanted to be discussing their future son-in-law's private parts.

"And then there was the time he licked the freezer thinking it was snow…" Mrs. Ramon laughed.

Carlos wanted nothing more than for DA's parents to loosen up and tell a story, but it didn't seem to be working.

"Well, you are very nice people," Ellen shook their hands warmly. "I know it sounds silly, but I expected you to keep lapsing into Spanish and call us _gringos_ and call Carlos _mojito_ or something."

"A mojito is a drink, Mom." DA rolled her eyes.

"We hardly speak Spanish around the kids. Carlos picked some up, but doesn't like to speak it. His brother is better at it, but you know kids – always competing at something." Mirabel rolled her eyes.

"So where's the wedding going to be held?" Mike asked Carlos and DA, who looked at each other anxiously.

"Aren't we having it at First Methodist?" Richard asked.

"I thought you'd want to get married at the cathedral, Carlos," Mirabel countered.

"We – we haven't figured that out yet." Carlos confessed. "The whole two religions thing…"

"It's complicated." DA finished his sentence.

"They'll be good together." Mirabel smiled approvingly. "I know your grandma's expecting a big cathedral wedding for you, though, Carlos."

"I doubt your granny would go to a cathedral wedding, Dorothy Ann." Richard frowned.

"We might not get married in a church at all." DA cringed, waiting for the uproar.

"It's just easier that way." Carlos added.

"It's up to you, I guess." Ellen sighed.

"I'm not going to pay more than what our church would cost." Richard said firmly. "And it would include a priest."

"Maybe you two should fulfill the requirements – counseling and such – for both churches." Mike suggested.

"That's a good idea." Carlos nodded to DA.

"Except the Catholic church will make me convert, won't they?" DA asked a little too loudly. Three pairs of shocked and hurt Ramon eyes stared at her and she would have given anything to run away. "I guess not?"

* * *

Wanda bit her lip and dialed her phone. If Phoebe wanted to play dirty, fine. She would take matters into her own hands to get Arnold's attention. 

"Hey, Ralphie, how's it going?" She asked sweetly.

"Um, fine." Ralphie replied. "What's going on? Does Carlos need me to help at the bar again tonight?" Ralphie was basically one of Carlos' employees; something Wanda decided would have to stop if her plan went well.

"No, actually, it's Phoebe." Wanda said bluntly. "She basically told me – not directly, you know how she is – that she really likes you, but she's too shy to ask you out."

Ralphie was silent. He was confused. How did Wanda find this out, anyway? What was he supposed to do about it? "That's… nice." He managed.

"For crying out loud, Ralphie, do I have to go back to eighth grade tactics?" Wanda fidgeted with the fabric on her gaucho pants. She usually fussed with the hem, but these pants didn't have one.

"What do you mean?"

Wanda sighed. "Do you like her too? Do you need me to arrange an "accidental" date for you?"

"Give me some time to think about it, jeez!" Ralphie put his hand to his forehead. He looked around. Class was out for the day and he didn't have to be at the internship… why not? "Are you making this up?"

"No!" Wanda protested. "Okay, so she didn't tell me she likes you, but she's really shy about things like that. I had to do an intervention with her to get her to admit she liked Arnold, remember?" Fortunately, it was true. Phoebe's shyness had played into Wanda's hands before, and Wanda was happy to have it play into her hands again. She looked around frantically, when one of her old Shakespeare books caught her eye. She'd always wanted to be behind a diabolical scheme like she'd seen. "Besides, don't you like her?" She asked, doing a quiet victory dance at her genius.

"What? No! Not really… that I'm aware of." Ralphie hated being caught off-guard.

"Come on," Wanda prodded. She'd hoped it would be as easy as suggesting it. Ralphie and Phoebe were both very susceptible to this kind of thing, but they weren't buying it. Now she had to start making stuff up. Fortunately, college had taught her how to BS her way through things like this. "It's the way you – uh, the way you look at her."

"Stop making shit up. I've got to run. I'll call you later." Ralphie was frustrated.

"No, wait, don't hang up!" Wanda called and nearly hung up the phone when she heard Ralphie's voice.

"What is it?" Ralphie asked.

"Give it a shot. Please? Come down to Paddy's at 8 tonight."

"Fine." Ralphie said. "I have to go. See you later."

"Bye." Wanda hung up. "I win at life."

* * *

"And the bitch was trying to make me wear yellow!" Keesha complained to Phoebe. They were in Paddy's, Carlos' bar. 

"What's wrong with yellow?" Carlos asked from behind the bar. "I like it."

"It's often chosen as the favorite color of retarded people." Keesha replied.

"You're lying." Carlos stared her down.

"No I'm not!" Keesha countered. "It's often chosen as the favorite color of geniuses and retarded people. I just left out the first group because it doesn't apply."

"I am a genius!" Wanda ran into the bar.

"Wanda, is Carlos retarded or a genius?" Keesha asked.

"I'd answer that, but he's my boss." Wanda bounced up to Phoebe. "So start thinking of a strategy to get me Arnold."

"I said no." Phoebe threw her arms in the air. "I can't get you Arnold any better than you could get me - "

"Ralphie?" Wanda interrupted. "He's so going on a date with you tonight. You owe me."

"What's going on?" Keesha asked warily.

"I'm going to enlist Skinny McFreckles over here in getting me my man of choice. She knows more about Arnold than anyone," Wanda started.

"Why do you want to know about Arnold?" Keesha asked a little too quickly.

"Oh perfect," Wanda's eyes lit up. "You want him too, don't you?"

"No!" Keesha protested.

"You can't fool my psychology background!" Wanda grinned evilly. "Too bad you don't have Lanky Limbs here on your side."

"I'M NOT ON YOUR SIDE!" Phoebe insisted.

"Well, I got you a date – you owe me one." Wanda negotiated. "Just give me one date with him, and I'll woo him with my feminine wiles."

"You'll stab him with a mascara wand until he has sex with you." Keesha corrected.

"And no one goes back after Wanda-sex." Wanda proclaimed victoriously.

"Didn't you have sex with Ralphie?" Keesha asked.

"He needs my _permission_ to move on, which I so graciously granted for my best friend Phoebe here." Wanda batted her eyelashes.

"If you girls don't start wrestling soon, I'm going to kick you out for excessive drama." Carlos warned. "No one likes girl drama, unless it involves girl fights."

"So how'd meeting the folks go?" Phoebe asked, trying to change the subject.

"Great," Carlos furrowed his eyebrows. Wanda was darting at him quickly. She grabbed him and dragged him toward the office. "Um, Keesha, you're in charge. What is it?"

"Look," Wanda shut the office door behind them. "I need Phoebe and Ralphie to hook up, and they're this close." She made a pinching gesture with her fingers. "If she gets any kind of attention from him, she'll owe me big time."

"If she doesn't have anything to say to help you out, then she doesn't." Carlos shrugged.

"Come on Carlos, help me out." Wanda begged.

"Why?" Carlos countered. "Ralphie and Phoebe are trying to start their careers, they don't have time for a relationship. Arnold's busy with school, and he will be with the wedding soon. Why would I want to make him even busier with a high-maintenance girlfriend like you?"

"Because it would make me happy." Wanda replied. "An unhappy Wanda at your wedding is a very bad thing. Ask my aunt."

"You brat." Carlos rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, think of all the perfect weddings you can. Isn't it so perfect if the bridesmaids and groomsmen are couples?" Wanda egged Carlos on.

"I don't think about weddings all that much." Carlos confessed.

"Call DA. Ask her if it's perfect." Wanda negotiated. "If she doesn't, you and Phoebe don't have to do anything. But if she does, all I need is one date with Arnold. ONE."

"I think I can arrange that." Carlos sighed. "You're impossible." They opened the door and re-entered the bar.

"I think you need a policy about not negotiating with terrorists," Keesha told Carlos.

"I am not a terrorist!" Wanda proclaimed as Ralphie came in, looking rushed and slightly nervous. Wanda couldn't hide her crafty grin. "Why, hello Ralphie." She put an arm around his shoulders, quite a feat as he was significantly taller, and walked with him toward Phoebe. She only regretted not planting the idea in Phoebe's head that Ralphie was secretly in love with her.

"Wanda, you're creeping me out." Ralphie twisted away from her.

"All I ask from you, Ralphie," Wanda said under her breath as she steered him away from Phoebe. "Is that you consider releasing your hidden feelings for Phoebe. You two would make a great couple."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Ralphie wondered aloud. "Is this about you banging Arnold?"

Why was Ralphie smarter than he looked? Wanda rolled her eyes. "Have you been talking to Keesha?"

"No," Ralphie looked around. "It's obvious that you're trying to get with Arnold, so just do it. Why are you holding Phoebe at knifepoint?"

"I'm not!" Wanda argued.

"Not literally, dumbass, figuratively!"

Wanda couldn't argue with big words like that. "Will you at least consider being secretly in love with Phoebe?"

Ralphie sighed. "No. I won't consider it because I'm not secretly in love with –" His voice had been rising in a crescendo and suddenly he stopped, looking directly at Phoebe. Wanda tried to make the violins start playing in his head. This would be a perfect time for his epiphany. She looked at him expectantly.

"Are you in love with her yet?"

"I'm going to smack you in the face if you ask me again." Ralphie replied. "You look like you have gas."

"Thanks." Wanda rolled her eyes. "Are you going to take her out?"

"Yes, but I'm telling you all the shit you told me." Ralphie negotiated.

"Fine." Wanda sighed. "Besides, I don't need you any more. I have Carlos."

* * *

Dorothy Ann wasn't pleased when Carlos told her that Wanda was "dicking with" – as Carlos put it – the wedding party. 

"She's practically staging a coup." Carlos laughed. "I love hearing all this shit go down."

"I'm coming over there." DA insisted.

"Hurry and you might see Keesha and Wanda fighting." Carlos whispered into the phone. "Love you babe, see you soon." He hung up. As girly as it seemed, Carlos loved hearing and seeing the gossip – something that came naturally when he was bartending. He and DA had talked about him returning to college for an MBA and possibly doing something else, but he wanted to wait until his friends got less interesting.

"YOU TOLD HER I SHOULD WEAR YELLOW?" Wanda exclaimed to Keesha. "You know yellow makes me look like…"

"Super-Asian?" Keesha asked snidely. "Yeah. So?"

"I'll wear yellow." Phoebe said quietly. She and Ralphie hadn't left yet, probably to keep from isolating themselves in awkwardness. "I think it's pretty."

"Stay out of this, Phoebe!" Keesha snapped. "This is between me and Wanda."

"Just because you look like a banana that fell down the stairs in yellow doesn't mean I look any better!" Wanda argued.

"Anything looks better than me in yellow." Keesha insisted. "You'd be a real pal if you just wear the yellow dress."

"And you think I'd sacrifice looking amazing to be 'a real pal'? Whatever." Wanda rolled her eyes. DA burst in.

"What the hell is going on?" She demanded.

"She's wearing yellow." Keesha quipped. "She wants to accentuate her exotic skin tone."

"I HATE YOU." Wanda tossed a shot glass at Keesha, who dodged it. It broke on the floor. Before anyone could ask, Phoebe was up with a broom, cleaning it up. "Thanks, Pheebs."

"You're paying for that." Carlos warned.

"How can you let your establishment get so out of control?" DA asked, incredulous.

"It's part of the deal with having Wanda around." Carlos shrugged and DA smiled. He had a habit of making her de-stress quickly when he wasn't frustrating her to no end. "Come with me." Carlos grabbed her and escorted her into the office before she could start asking about the goings-on.

"So how exactly is she 'dicking around' with the wedding party?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Keesha's in charge again!" He called before shutting the door. "Okay, so Wanda is trying to bang Arnold. She's convinced that Phoebe can help her, so she's trying to get Ralphie to bang Phoebe so Phoebe owes her one."

"Whoa," DA shook her head. "You are too in on gossip. That's creepy."

"It happens right in front of me! It's not my fault that anything that happens outside the bar is told to me as I'm serving drinks!" Carlos argued.

"Fine, keep going." DA smiled.

"So Ralphie and Phoebe are supposed to go on a date. Wanda is trying to convince them that they're secretly in love, but she's terrible at hiding her scheming – her scheming ways." He wished it didn't come out sounding so ridiculous. "It seems like Keesha is also after Arnold, but she's willing to take Wanda's leftovers – assuming Wanda's date with Arnold doesn't go too well."

"What date?"

"The whole Phoebe thing isn't working out so well," Carlos continued. "So I'm supposed to talk to Arnold about taking her out."

"That's a great idea," DA had a realization and her face lit up. "Seriously, think of all the perfect weddings you can. Isn't it so perfect if the bridesmaids and groomsmen are couples?"

"Um, Wanda said that earlier, and you're really creeping me out." Carlos said squeamishly. "She told me you'd say that." DA ignored Carlos. She was already figuring out the couples.

"Now if Arnold and Wanda get together, and Ralphie and Phoebe… that leaves Tim and Keesha." DA thought aloud. "But what about Mikey and Evan? That's statutory rape and disgusting on several levels. I don't think they'd go for it."

"And Tim has his groupie, remember?" Carlos said. "Janet's been following him around like a lost puppy."

"I can't have Janet in my bridal party. I CAN'T." DA pounded her fists on the desk. "Keesha is Tim's date."

"What if Arnold and Wanda don't – I mean, she is kind of potentially abusive." Carlos mused.

"THEY HAVE TO." DA decided. "This is our day and it's going to be PERFECT."

* * *

**And Bridezilla is born. Reviews are awesome. :)  
**


	4. Tim might be the best man

**3. Tim might be the best man**

**September 2007 – 9 months to go**

"You look hot." Wanda nodded.

"It's amazing." Keesha tried to one-up her. "You look radiant."

"Stop using bigger words than me." Wanda hissed.

"You look great." Phoebe chimed in.

"I really look good?" DA asked. She didn't need to. She was head-over-heels in love with her gown. It was strapless, with beading on the bodice over her bust. Ivory taffeta fabric was gathered across her stomach, making it look like she'd wrapped the dress around her. The A-line skirt billowed out just enough to accentuate her hourglass figure. The taffeta gathered up smoothly in the back, with a rosette bouquet just over her bottom. The parted taffeta in the back gave way for a long, lacy train that elegantly swept the floor behind her. "This is it, ladies."

"It's gorgeous!" Phoebe clapped her hands together. "It's perfect on you."

"My mom might freak that it's not perfectly white," DA sighed. "But it's my day and I like this color on me."

"Right." Keesha hated hearing "it's my day." This had never lead to anything good, in her experience.

"Wait 'til I show my mom." DA sighed.

* * *

It was a Friday night at the bar, about a week after Wanda's plan had been unleashed and flopped. Phoebe and Ralphie had managed to slip under the radar so far, but Ralphie knew it wouldn't last much longer. He took a deep breath and turned to Phoebe. 

"So, um, dinner?" Ralphie suggested. Phoebe turned red and turned her head a little, letting her hair fall in her face to hide it.

"I didn't think you were serious." Phoebe smiled a little. "Sure. Let's go."

"That is going to be the most awkward date ever." Tim grinned.

"You know Wanda's trying to set us up, right?" Ralphie asked, matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but why?" Phoebe asked.

"Something about getting to Arnold," Ralphie shrugged. "I don't know."

"Oh my gosh," Phoebe put her hand to her mouth. "I know why she did this."

"Why?" Ralphie asked. He almost anticipated Phoebe confessing some long-held crush she'd had on him, then wondered what on earth gave him that idea.

"She assumes I know everything about Arnold because he and I dated all through high school." Phoebe started. "And so to prove her wrong, I asked her if you were secretly in love with me."

"And?" Ralphie raised his eyebrows a bit. He seemed a little hopeful, but that made no sense. Phoebe shook her head slightly and looked away. The street lights were a bit too flattering for her tastes.

"And so I think she got the idea that I –" She made a gesture with her hand.

"She told me you liked me and wanted to ask me out." Ralphie turned to try to look at Phoebe, who was looking straight ahead.

"Well, she made that up." Phoebe said quickly. She made a mental note to stab Wanda with a fork for putting her in this situation. Ralphie stopped walking and Phoebe followed suit. She turned to look at him, half expecting him to grab her by her upper arms and forcefully and passionately confess some undying feelings, but he just stood there, looking confused.

"I think she's really dicked with our heads." Ralphie said after a moment of silence.

"I think so too." Phoebe was slightly relieved. "But if she has Carlos, why would she try to set us up?"

"Because her plans suck." Ralphie shrugged. "They always have." Ralphie recalled Wanda's plan to ask him to a girls' choice dance their senior year that involved her hiding in a closet and nearly giving his grandfather a heart attack.

"So now what?" Phoebe asked awkwardly.

"Let's go to dinner," Ralphie offered. "I'll pay."

"You don't have to." Phoebe shuffled her feet. "Okay." She tried to keep her shyness on the cute side.

* * *

DA looked over the long checklist of bridal duties and bridesmaid duties. She was having a hard time thinking while Evan was on the phone, talking to her best girlfriend of the week. 

"Evan, will you please quiet down?" She asked politely for the third time that evening.

"Whatever," Evan said loudly. "Sorry, my bitch sister thinks the world revolves around her just because she's getting married."

"Be quiet, please!" Dorothy Ann said louder. She had finished typing up a guest list of a mere 75 people and thought her parents could bring only a couple more. Evan turned her radio up and was listening to some pop crap. DA sighed. She looked at the item with a question mark next to it on the list: bachelorette party. She knew her little sister would throw a crappy high school party and invite her lame teenage friends if she had her way. Evan didn't understand that this was DA's day and she had needs and desires to be catered to. Evan was too young to understand being selfless. With a pang of guilt, she dialed the phone. "Wanda? Will you be my maid of honor?" A few moments later, DA was banging on Evan's door.

"WHAT?" Evan yelled.

"YOU'RE NOT THE MAID OF HONOR ANY MORE." Evan turned her music off, making DA's shouting echo down the hall.

* * *

_You told yourself you weren't going to get involved with anyone while you were in vet school_, Phoebe's subconscious was telling her as she sat in a booth at a diner across from Ralphie. 

_I wonder if the Mets are winning_, Ralphie thought. He felt guilty thinking about baseball whenever he was with a girl, because he always thought he was supposed to be thinking about her. _I wonder if Phoebe would watch baseball with me._ The compromise was good enough. Wanda had grown out of baseball in high school. Keesha had tolerated his love of the sport. "Do you like baseball?" He asked randomly.

"Yeah," Phoebe smiled awkwardly. She had no idea where this was going, but was willing to play along. "I like the Red Sox – my mom's from Boston."

"Really? Can you do the accent?" Ralphie asked. Boston accents were hilarious, especially since his mom was a native New Yorker and always talked about the horrors of Bostonian speech.

"I can't if I'm thinking about it, but yeah." Phoebe blushed. "Arnold used to tease me because I can't say – oh, I can't say it." She reached in her purse for a pen and scribbled on a napkin.

"Hardcore?" Ralphie read it, confused.

"Hahdcoah." Phoebe said quietly. Ralphie erupted into a fit of laughter.

"That's the best thing I've heard all week!" He cried.

"Yeah, everyone likes to laugh at me." Phoebe said quietly.

"I'm not laughing at you," Ralphie corrected. "Every now and then I slip out some 'New Yawk.'" Phoebe smiled and Ralphie blamed Wanda for telling him to find it cute. _It's the way she looks at you,_ his subconscious prodded him. _She'll probably watch baseball with you._

* * *

"So when's my date?" Wanda nagged Carlos. 

"You've been asking me every two minutes." Carlos rolled his eyes. "For the past hour."

"Then arrange it already." Wanda insisted.

"Arnold, you're taking Wanda to dinner tonight." Carlos said into the phone. "Yeah, I know you're at school. When can you get here? You have to take her because she's going to kill me if you don't. Okay." He hung up. "He'll be here at seven."

"At seven tonight? Carlos, that's in an hour. How am I supposed to use my feminine wiles if I don't have time to get ready?" Wanda demanded, running to grab her purse.

"Who's going to watch the bar?" Carlos asked.

"You." Wanda replied, running out the door.

"I should totally fire you for this." Carlos said to the door.

* * *

"Hey Arnold," Wanda batted her long, mascara-laden eyelashes at him. 

"Oh," Arnold hadn't realized this was a real date with Wanda really going after him. "Hello."

"Let's go, shall we?" Wanda asked, her voice slightly throaty. She linked her arm around Arnold's and they walked a block downtown to a small café. "So how's school?"

"It's great." Arnold said. He wanted to start talking about corporate law, his normal tactic at fending off girls, but was afraid that Wanda would just stare and bat her eyelashes. That would be a bit too creepy. "I'm really busy with it."

"I'm sure you are." Wanda said indulgingly. "I'm going to be a spy."

"That's fantastic." Arnold hoped he didn't sound too excited.

"Do you find that sexy?" Wanda turned her head and tried to look as sexy as she could.

"Arnold!" A voice suddenly cried. Arnold turned to see who had saved his life. "It's me, Harry!"

"Oh my gosh, it's Harry Arm!" Arnold sounded a little too excited, but Wanda was willing to play along, especially after she saw Harry. She never imagined that he'd grow up to be so good looking. Harry was almost as tall as Arnold, but much more built and solid. He had freckles and reddish-brown hair that was just messy and wavy enough to give Wanda the odd impression that he was a hybrid of Arnold and Ralphie – the two men she'd really cared about.

"Is that little Wanda?" Harry exclaimed, obviously impressed with the way Wanda had matured.

"It is!" Wanda grinned. "We were just going to have some dinner. Care to join us?"

"I just ate," Harry apologized.

"Come on, won't you please sit with us?" Arnold urged.

"Oh, all right." Harry smiled. "What are you two up to? Are you guys – together?"

"No!" Arnold and Wanda both replied.

"We're just going – as friends." Arnold managed. "We came over from our friend's bar. You remember Carlos, right?"

"Yeah!" Harry exclaimed. "Does he have herpes?"

"No, he's getting married." Wanda smiled winningly at Harry. "I'm going into the CIA. I want to be a spy."

"That's awesome!" Harry exclaimed.

"I always wanted to be a Bond girl. Do you like James Bond?" Wanda asked. She was starting to turn on the charm. Arnold was able to slip out by dessert.

* * *

"So how do you feel about Wanda taking over your wedding?" Keesha asked DA casually. 

"She's not." DA replied. "I have everything under control. By the way, you're Tim's date."

"What about Janet?" Keesha asked. She wasn't fond of splitting up couples, especially ones that involved Arnold's crazy bitch cousin.

"Forget her. She's not in the wedding party. She can't be. You're with Tim at the wedding." DA said firmly. "And I'd like it if you two could act like a couple."

"What?" Keesha's jaw dropped. "You do realize Janet's insane and would probably stab me, right?"

"It's just for one day," DA shrugged.

"Stabbings can last a lifetime!" Keesha cried.

"Keesha, this is my day, and I want everyone to think that you and Tim have bought into the aura of romance surrounding the wedding and have fallen in love!" DA mused, the very thought of her perfect wedding setting off a string of other less-perfect weddings bringing a smile to her face.

"Everyone will see Janet sharpening Tim's boutonnière pin and trying to stab me to death with it." Keesha corrected. DA didn't like this image as much. "I can have a date, just not Tim."

"But if Tim has a date outside the wedding party, so does someone else!" DA snapped back into reality. "And if Ralphie and Phoebe hook up and Arnold and Wanda hook up,"

"Wait, Arnold and Wanda?" Keesha interrupted. "Who says they have to hook up?"

"Wanda." DA replied.

"What if Arnold doesn't want Wanda?" Keesha asked. "What if he likes his women stable and non-abusive?"

"Wanda isn't abusive." DA defended.

"What if I told you that Ralphie was all bruised up when he and I got together after he dumped Wanda?" Keesha tried. DA looked at her in disbelief. "He wasn't, but he said that Wanda did hit him – once."

"That's Ralphie. It doesn't count." DA replied after thinking a moment.

"Ralphie counts!" Keesha argued. "All I'm saying is what if Arnold would rather go with someone else in the wedding party?"

"He and Phoebe were an attractive couple," DA bit her lip, plotting.

"I mean me," Keesha sighed. "What if Arnold and I were to go on a couple of dates?" She couldn't believe she was nearly asking permission.

"As long as Wanda found another date, I'm fine with that." DA conceded. "But I'd rather have her and Tim be dates."

The gears in Keesha's mind started turning quickly. If Wanda and Tim were supposed to be a couple, then Janet would spend the wedding harping on Wanda. That would be much more amusing than luncheons and party mints. She hoped that Arnold's date with Wanda didn't go well. If nothing else, she could get Arnold on her side.

* * *

"What do you mean I can't be Tim's date?" Janet demanded. Carlos flinched. He found Janet's voice to be among the most annoying sounds in the world. 

"Um, DA would love it if you came, but she wants Tim to be spending time with the bridal party and stuff." Carlos couldn't believe he was being so chicken in front of a girl, but Janet was terrifying. He heard his cell phone beep and reached into his pocket. He had a text message from DA. "Actually, it looks like Tim will be very busy." He smiled. "He's the best man now." His phone beeped again and he looked at it. "Maybe."

"What do you mean, maybe? Is Dorothy Ann telling you all this? Aren't you supposed to pick your own best man?" Janet rambled. Carlos wished he were listening to nails on a chalkboard.

"Well, the thing with that is, you wouldn't understand. You're a girl." Carlos blurted.

"Why wouldn't I understand?" Janet demanded.

"She's got him by the balls." A patron explained.

"Thanks, man." Carlos rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Dude," Tim sighed. "I don't care how drunk you try and get me – I am not wearing yellow to your damn wedding." 

"Come on, Arnold?" Carlos tried. The guys were playing a game of pool at the bar, their usual hangout on Saturday nights, especially.

"You're kidding, right?" Arnold asked. "I'd look like a bottle of mustard."

"Ralphie?" Carlos was desperate.

"Over my dead body." Ralphie folded his arms. "Jaundice isn't something I want to emulate."

"One of you has to. Phoebe offered to wear yellow…" Carlos tried to get the sympathy vote. "Ralphie, you're her boyfriend now. You get to wear yellow."

"I am NOT Phoebe's boyfriend." Ralphie insisted as he struck the cue ball with the cue stick. He sunk three balls.

"You were supposed to scratch so we could all tell you were lying." Tim ventured a guess judging by Carlos' look of surprise.

"Well I'm not lying!" Ralphie argued. "We just had dinner. I told her about Wanda's evil schemes. It was awkward."

"He so wants her." Carlos whispered to Arnold just loud enough for Ralphie to hear.

"Shut up!" Ralphie cried.

"Is somebody confused?" Carlos asked, faux-sympathetically. "Did someone have a good time and he doesn't know why?"

"Aww, I'm secretly in love with a skinny chick." Arnold stuck out his bottom lip. "Feel sorry for me!"

"Cry for me!" Tim added. "I'm too inexperienced to know how to handle myself like a man!"

"That's it." Ralphie tossed the cue stick. "I'm leaving. Later boners."

"He's paying for that." Carlos narrowed his eyes.

* * *

"Tim won't go with Keesha." Carlos sighed. He and DA were looking over the guest list in the bar, which didn't make DA too happy. She didn't like spending time in a smoking environment, but the recent smoking ban would have to take effect sooner or later. "So we have to invite Janet." 

"Dang." DA sighed. "Doesn't he understand?"

"I guess not." Carlos shrugged. "Ralphie and Phoebe are this close to getting together." He said optimistically.

"Carlos, they've been 'this close' for three weeks." DA rolled her eyes. "Anyway, let's keep going. Who's Henry Armstrong?"

"My buddy from high school – we played on the football team together my junior year."

"I don't remember you being friends with anyone named Henry." DA furrowed her brow.

"We called him Harry Arm back in elementary school," Carlos reminisced. "The kid never got hair on his arms, so we quit."

"Does he have to come?" DA asked, squeamishly.

"Definitely! I haven't seen that guy in years!" Carlos exclaimed. "Harry Arm… that was hilarious."

"Carlos!" Wanda called from the bar. "When's my date with Arnold?" 

"You haven't set that up yet?" DA hissed. "What have you been doing?"

"I've been working on the Italian front." Carlos retorted. "Just a second, Wanda!"

"Please don't have sex while I'm in the building." Wanda yelled.

* * *

"How's law school treating you, Arnold?" Keesha asked sweetly. 

"Not too bad, thanks." Arnold sucked on the spoonful of vanilla ice cream in his mouth. Getting ice cream with Keesha had turned into too much of a date for his tastes. He'd been so busy with law school lately and had his share of undergrads, first years, and sundry women throwing themselves at him. He didn't expect it from his always rational friend. He did, however, find it intriguing that she found something about him so irresistible that she dropped her normal rationality. It definitely played into his vanity. "I read the paper every now and then. It's awesome to see your name in print."

"Thanks," Keesha smiled slyly. "It's nice to have fans." Her phone buzzed. "I told Wanda I was busy." She flipped open the phone and looked at the message. She made a noise of interest and said, "Apparently Wanda's the maid of honor now."

"How did that happen?" Arnold was incredulous.

"I'm guessing her evil schemes had something to do with it." Keesha sighed. "Sometimes I wish she'd just let it be DA's and Carlos' day, you know that?" She put a hand on Arnold's.

"Yeah, that would make life a lot easier." Arnold grinned.

* * *

"Wanda, what the hell is going on?" DA asked. Wanda had summoned her to the bar late at night, and it was pitch black and silent, save for the Nutcracker Suite playing softly in the background. Wanda turned on a small desk lamp and sat making menacing faces at DA. 

"I know something you don't know." She taunted.

"What are you talking about?" DA demanded.

"What if I were to tell you that Carlos were unfaithful to you, say, at a frat party after you two fought your senior year in college?" Wanda began. "What if I revealed to you that he'd slept with someone else?"

"Then I'd kill you!" DA exclaimed.

"Why me?" Wanda asked, defensively.

"Because it would be you." DA pointed out, furious. "How could you, Wanda?"

"Wait, wait, wait." Wanda put her hands out. "I fucked up pretty bad. Granted, we were both drunk and he kept calling me DA, so it doesn't exactly count."

"It counts, Wanda!" DA protested. "It sure as hell counts!"

"But please don't kill me." Wanda begged. "And please don't kick me out of the wedding party."

"Why not?" DA demanded. "Why am I even talking to you?"

"Because you know that you aren't just mad at me. You're mad at Carlos for betraying you… and you're jealous."

"Jealous?" DA asked.

"You got gypped out of a chance to experience someone else." Wanda's reasoning was solid, if completely immoral. "So there's only one thing you can do."

"What?"

"You have to bang Arnold." Wanda looked at DA expectantly.

"Okay, I have to be having some severe nightmare here or something." DA pinched herself. "This didn't happen."

"You can keep living in denial, or you can bang Arnold guilt-free." Wanda winked eerily.

"You're really scaring me." DA backed away and ran from the bar.

* * *

Tim awoke to his phone ringing. 

"Do you have to answer it?" Janet asked groggily. Her skin was pale and looked like alabaster in the moonlight.

"It's Carlos – it could be an emergency." Tim yawned. "Hello."

"Quick ethics question – is it cheating if you're thinking of your significant other the whole time?" Carlos asked, panicked.

"What the hell did you do?" Tim sat up straight in bed, letting the sheets fall into his lap. Janet looked at him quizzically.

"Well apparently Wanda's talking about the one-night stand we had that one time." Carlos blushed. "And DA's pissed and about ready to call off the wedding. What the hell do I do?"

"Shit." Tim shook his head. "First off, you never get drunk around other women again."

"Obviously." Carlos nodded frantically. "What can I do to make it right?"

"Apologize like there's no tomorrow." Tim suggested.

"I did!" Carlos insisted. "Apparently Wanda gave her this crazy idea that two wrongs make a right, so if she bangs some guy, we'll be even and – fair and square."

"That doesn't sound too good." Tim thought hard. "Yeah, that sounds really bad."

"But I wish it never happened and if it will make it go away…" Carlos managed. "Look, I don't want her to call off the wedding. I want things to be normal, and if that means she has to bang some other guy… then fine."

"Well, it sounds like you have your answer." Tim said uneasily. Carlos hung up. "That was the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life."

* * *

**Reviews are great. Paddy's, the "later boners" scene, and the "I know something you don't know" all come from _It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia_. Great show.**


	5. Ralphie has a Freudian slip

**4. Ralphie has a Freudian slip **

**September 2007 – 9 months to go**** (still)**

"IdunthinkIkindothis," DA slurred, completely plastered.

"Really? Me either," Arnold had more of his drunk speech pulled together. "I mean, what if I want to go into politics one day? This looks real bad."

"I mean, you're pretty," DA smiled, "but I know Carlos would get so jealous and he'd hate you, even if he says he won't, you know? And you guys have been friends since –"

"Since dinosaurs?" Arnold tried. "Because you're really neat and all, but I don't know. I love Carlos too much, I can't do this to him."

"Let's not then." DA felt the room spinning around her. "I'm too sick."

"Besides, what if Wanda just said she had sex with Carlos?" Arnold laughed. "What if she was lying?"

"Why would she do that?" DA asked, puzzled.

"Because she was so into me the other day but she ditched me for Harry Arm." Arnold rambled. "An' I got some ice cream with Keesha and maybe she's jealous?" It wasn't supposed to be a question, but Arnold asked it like it was.

"That bitch," DA shook her head, trying to sober up.

"Seriously, how many times did Carlos get really drunk while you were dating?" Arnold asked.

"Well there was that year in college," DA thought aloud. "And less after he graduated, but more again after he opened the bar…" She thought silently a moment. "Less if you're talking times he's passed out. Like… ten."

"So Wanda could've told him he had sex with her, and he would've believed her." Arnold raised his eyebrows. "Right?"

"But he could remember it 'cause they dated for – well they were friends with benefits," DA corrected herself.

"So she's screwing with his mind." Arnold finished. "To piss off Keesha."

"That evil bitch-woman!" DA exclaimed. "She's fired from the wedding!"

* * *

"I'm going to kill him!" Carlos moaned and took another shot of tequila. "Why did I ever agree to this?" 

"I told you not to." Tim warned. "You might want to stop drinking." Carlos flipped over his shot glass next to the other two. Carlos could hold his alcohol, but Tim didn't want him to pass out or anything. That's what had gotten him in trouble in the first place.

"I can't!" Carlos poured himself a shot. "I'm being driven to drink by women." His phone rang. It was Arnold. "Why the hell is he calling me?" Tim grabbed the phone before Carlos could smash it, which seemed likely. Carlos could be an angry drunk.

"Carlos? We know she lied to you!" Arnold said loudly.

"What?" Tim asked. "Hang on." He turned to Carlos and whispered. "Wanda lied to you. Just talk to him."

"Fine." Carlos grabbed the phone and looked more like a grumpy child than a grown man, thanks to the booze. "What?"

"Carlos, DA and I didn't have – we didn't make sex." Arnold took a deep breath. "We don't think you cheated on her with Wanda. She's trying to get me to bang DA so Keesha will get jealous."

"That doesn't make any sense." Carlos felt relieved, if confused.

"It doesn't have to." Arnold rationalized. "You're drunk."

"Yeah, I guess so." Carlos smiled a bit. "So you swear you didn't bang her?"

"I swear." Arnold replied. "I can't – I love you too much, man."

"Thanks… man." Carlos wasn't drunk enough to not feel uneasy. He slowly closed his phone.

"Well?" Tim asked.

"I think Arnold loves me." Carlos mused.

* * *

The next week, DA took her bridesmaids into a boutique. She stopped babbling about how great her dress was for a moment and turned to her friends and sister. "You'll love the dresses. They're knee-length, scoop-necked, and kind of a tank top strap. They're going to be blue, so no one ends up in yellow." 

"Hooray!" Keesha and Wanda high-fived each other. Evan also seemed pleased, although she hated being dragged around with her sister's psycho friends. She really was done hearing about exploits, drama, and their stupid boys they passed around. She put up with it because every now and then, it was worth it. She was still sore about not being the maid of honor, but she'd managed to whine enough to DA so she'd end up being some sort of special attendant without all the work. In any case, she got a prettier bouquet.

"Let's get you measured." DA squealed.

"Um," Phoebe opened her mouth to speak.

"Don't we have to try stuff on?" Keesha asked.

"I came here to try on dresses." Wanda concurred. "I even wore my strapless bra."

"I've picked the perfect dresses, we're just going to order them." DA insisted, ignoring the looks of shock on her bridesmaids' faces. "I want the dresses to be marina blue with violet sashes." She told the store employee. "Except I want her dress to be marina blue with a buttercup sash." She pointed at Phoebe, who blushed. "Can they match ties to the sashes?"

"Yes, we can do that." The lady nodded. "Next." Wanda stuck her arms out and got her measurements.

"Did you hear that, Keesha? I have a tinier waist than you!" Wanda taunted.

"Am I seriously the same size as Superfreak over there, even though she's twice as tall?" Evan rolled her eyes. She was glad Phoebe was in the wedding to make her look prettier. Her knobby knees would even make her ugly cousins feel better about themselves. "I better not end up in yellow."

"DAMMIT, EVAN, PHOEBE IS GOING TO END UP IN YELLOW AND THAT'S IT." DA yelled.

"Why does Phoebe get yellow? Is she different from the rest of us?" Wanda was flabbergasted. She had just realized that something was amiss.

"Oh, by the way, Wanda, you aren't my maid of honor any more. Phoebe is." DA continued nonchalantly.

"PHOEBE?" She shrieked. "Why her? I've helped you with everything!"

"You tried to get me to have sex with Arnold!" DA argued.

"This is awkward." Keesha remarked.

"I was trying to help you!" Wanda countered. "I was trying to even the score!"

"Yeah? It didn't help or even anything out. Carlos won't let me kick you out of the bridal party, so this is the least I can do." DA fumed.

* * *

"I'm sick of all this wedding crap." DA sighed. "Let's just go to Vegas and elope." 

"We can't do that," Carlos urged. "Think of the grandmas!"

"You're right." DA sounded disappointed. "So where are we actually going to have the ceremony?"

"Well I had this crazy idea that we could have it in the bar." Carlos suggested. DA's face fell and he wished he'd never said anything. "Maybe we should elope."

"You're telling me to think of the grandmas and you want to get married in a _bar_?" DA spoke slowly, loudly, and angrily. "Carlos, my mom's sister is a recovering alcoholic!"

"I didn't think of that." Carlos admitted.

"Do you realize what this will do to her if we do anything involving the bar?"

"No, but I think I'm beginning to…"

"What were you thinking that made you think getting married in a bar was a good idea?" DA was breathing heavily through her nose, which was never a good sign.

"I was thinking it would be good for business, okay?" Carlos exploded. "It would be cheap so we could buy that expensive as hell wedding dress – that you will wear ONCE – and could still afford to go somewhere nice for our honeymoon, okay? I was trying to compromise!"

"Leave my dress out of this!" DA insisted. "This is about you and your stupid bar!"

"The bar isn't stupid!" Carlos argued. "I was trying to make a good business decision! I was taking a risk by suggesting it."

"You were being stupid!" DA retorted. "I can't believe you still have this shithole. I can't believe you suggested that my EXTENDED FAMILY would want to see it!"

"I'm proud of what I do!"

"You're too proud." DA folded her arms.

"Well you had to go out and spend how much on that dress?" Carlos prodded. "Dorothy Ann, you're not exactly the paragon of responsibility here. You're so concerned about the budget one second, and the next you're looking at flower arrangements that cost an arm and a leg, food that's so pretty no one will eat it, and a dress you'll wear once, have dry cleaned, and then let it sit forever and pray you have a daughter to wear it!"

"Wedding dresses are expensive, Carlos. That's just how it is." DA said icily. "I can't help it."

"You could buy a cheap one." Carlos suggested.

"It would go with your theme of cheap wedding." DA sneered. "I thought I meant something to you."

"You do!" Carlos argued.

"Then why are you seeing our wedding as an advertising opportunity?" DA sobbed. "I can't – I can't even look at you right now."

"It was stupid," Carlos sighed. "We'll figure something out."

"I won't return the dress." DA said firmly.

"Oh, so now I'm the one who has to compromise, not you?" Carlos rolled his eyes. He hated fighting with DA. "Great way to make a marriage work."

"I can't believe you're making a mockery out of our wedding, Carlos." DA cried.

"That's it." Carlos threw his arms in the air. "I'll make you a deal – you forget I ever said anything about Paddy's and I'll forget how much your dress cost."

"Fair enough." DA sniffled after a moment of thought. "I think we should get marriage counseling."

"Why?" Carlos was taken aback.

"Well don't they like you to do that anyway?" DA wiped her eyes. "Besides, it couldn't hurt. I want this to work."

Carlos hugged her. "Me too."

* * *

Phoebe looked at the dogs outside, then looked at the leashes, then at her cell phone in her hand. All she had to do was press "send" and ask Ralphie if he wanted to join her, but that would take initiative, something she didn't have too much of with boys. She closed the phone and stuffed it in her pocket, freeing both hands for the four leashes. She hooked them up to the dogs and took them out front to where her Subaru wagon was parked. "Let's go to the park," she said half-heartedly. 

She jumped when her phone rang and almost ran a stop sign. "Hello?" She asked expectantly. She'd seen the caller ID. She knew it was the bar.

"Hey, it's Ralphie." She smiled and wanted to kick herself for it. "What are you up to?"

"Just taking four dogs to the park all by myself," she said. "Want to come?"

* * *

"Why did you dick with Carlos and DA?" Keesha affronted Wanda in the bar (of course). 

"What do you mean?" Wanda asked innocently.

"You made DA so mad she's about to turn into the Incredibly Cute Hulk." Keesha gritted her jaw. "She's already halfway to crazy, why push her over the edge?"

"I made a mistake, okay?" Wanda shrugged. "I thought the guy was Carlos."

"You'd best shut your mouth and stop spreading shit until you have it all figured out." Keesha threatened.

"Oh, I have it all figured out." Wanda said slyly.

"So you figured out what you're going to do now that DA and Carlos are about to kill you." Keesha tried.

"I'm working on it." Wanda grinned. She tried to remain hopeful in the face of all her friends seeing right through her plans. She hadn't given up on the Ralphoebe project, which had the best name, but Harry had distracted her from Arnold very well the night before.

Very well indeed. She let herself daydream a moment about his solid body taking her to "Pleasure Town" … had she said that? She couldn't remember, but hoped she had.

"I know you're trying to sabotage Arnold and me, okay?" Keesha snapped. "And you'd best not."

"Because you said so?" Wanda rolled her eyes. "RIGHT."

"I'm not playing, Wanda." Keesha threatened. "You pull this shit again and I will cut you."

Keesha and Wanda had a long-standing rivalry over everything from boys to parking spaces to the Red Crayon Incident in kindergarten, where they'd both received timeout for trying to stab each other with crayons. It was a part of their friendship, and both felt like the competition helped them as people. This seemed incredibly odd to outsiders.

"I haven't made up my mind about Arnold." Wanda was coy.

"That's not fair to keep him hanging while you screw around with Harry Arm." Keesha pointed out.

"Life's not fair." Wanda smirked.

* * *

"Apparently I'm the best man," Ralphie looked at his phone, puzzled. "Weren't you a little while ago, Tim?" 

"I think that was a maybe." Tim rolled his eyes. "I don't even care. I think it's going to keep changing until whenever and we're all going to end up giving a toast."

"Isn't Carlos supposed to pick a best man?" Janet asked. "And aren't these messages coming from Dorothy Ann?"

"She's running the show." Ralphie explained, wondering why Phoebe wasn't saying anything, but rather sitting in the booth at the ice cream parlor, looking terrified.

"She's being a little crazy about it." Phoebe remarked quietly.

"I'll say!" Janet agreed, slightly put off by Phoebe's fear of her. "Wasn't she going to make you act like you were in love with Keesha?"

"Yeah," Tim rolled his eyes.

"Why?" Ralphie asked. Tim and Janet looked at each other and smiled. "What?"

"Well, she thought it would be better if the whole bridal party were couples…" Tim started.

"Guess who you two are with." Janet grinned. Ralphie and Phoebe both blushed.

"That's what this is about…" Phoebe said softly.

"I didn't know," Ralphie felt like he was going to start apologizing. "Did you?"

"I had no idea!" Phoebe replied. "I thought this was about Wanda and Arnold," she added quickly in case Ralphie didn't want to hear that she'd had a great time with him playing with the dogs in the park, and that there were only a few things she found cuter than guys who were good with dogs.

"Well, apparently it isn't." Tim shrugged.

"And apparently you two have been 'this close' to getting together – I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm guessing it means bumping uglies." Janet took a sick delight in others' – namely Phoebe's – misery. Ralphie was also turning a bit pink, which was a nice bonus.

"According to whom?" Phoebe asked meekly. Ralphie didn't remember the difference between "who" and "whom," but he was impressed that Phoebe seemed to know. He was determined to get Phoebe to say "hardcore" again before they went their separate ways that evening.

"Carlos, Arnold, Wanda, Keesha, everybody." Tim shrugged.

"Even DA." Janet added. Tim shot her a look. "Okay, DA doesn't really care about anyone else right now."

"Are there bets?" Ralphie asked.

"That's a good idea!" Janet's eyes lit up.

"No," Tim sighed.

"It's a great idea." Janet insisted.

"Please don't," Phoebe managed. "I think I should go home now and let out the dogs – or something." She got up and rushed toward the door. She didn't like her sex life or lack thereof to come up in conversation.

"Oh. Okay." Ralphie sounded disappointed and got up to follow her. "Later." He said to Tim and Janet.

"Okay, two dollars says they do it tonight." Tim wagered.

* * *

"Hey, I had a great time with you," Ralphie called after Phoebe, who was about to unlock her Subaru. 

"Really?" Phoebe asked.

Ralphie thought hard, trying to will Phoebe into saying "hardcore" again. He didn't pay attention to what he was saying. "Yeah, and I'd like to do it sometime."

"What?" Phoebe blushed.

_You messed up hardcore,_ Ralphie thought, then wished Phoebe had said that. "I meant do it _again _sometime. You know, go out… on a date."

"Sure," Phoebe smiled. "Give me a call."

"Okay, I will." Ralphie smiled back and Phoebe drove off without saying "hahdcoah."

* * *

"DA, Wanda's hogging all the boys to herself," Keesha complained, realizing how juvenile she sounded only after she'd said it. 

"She can't do that," DA mused. "That'll ruin my wedding!"

"Tell her to stop." Keesha widened her eyes. "Tell her to leave Arnold alone."

"Okay." DA shrugged. "You can walk down the aisle with Arnold."

"Good!" Keesha smiled. "Because he and I did go on that date."

"Mm-hmm." DA wasn't paying attention. She was thinking about hors d'oeuvres. Keesha rolled her eyes and walked off. "See ya later, Keesh."

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing so far! I love hearing your feedback!**


	6. Phoebe doesn't like cows

**5. Phoebe doesn't like cows**

**October 2007 – 9 months to go**

"Phoebe, I have to ask you a personal question." Wanda said. They were in Phoebe's house, where she'd just taken in two new dogs (three had been adopted) in the past week. Phoebe didn't like to go out and socialize as much when she had new dogs, so her friends had learned to come to her. "Why do you have a diagram of a penis on your table?"

"I'm studying." Phoebe replied from the kitchen.

"Oh really," Wanda raised her eyebrows. "Anyone I know?"

"It's a horse penis, Wanda." Phoebe retorted. "I've been learning about the joys of animal husbandry."

"I was wondering…" Wanda hadn't heard from Harry in a while and was about to focus on Arnold again, but she wanted another plan. Phoebe would be a great in, if only she'd stop thinking about horses and start thinking about male reproductive parts. Wanda was getting sick of Phoebe and Ralphie being "this close." She was about to lock them in a room with Barry White's Greatest Hits, a box of condoms, and some lube for an hour. Even then, she didn't trust that Phoebe wouldn't manage to get out of it. "Are you asexual?"

"No." Phoebe replied, puzzled. She pulled on some latex gloves, reached into the sink and pulled out a large chunk of meat, complete with bones. Her face turned slightly green.

"What the hell is that?" Wanda asked.

"Oh, beef." Phoebe managed. She had been a vegetarian for almost ten years, so the sight of her with cow ribs was very, very odd. "It's for the dogs. I've been reading up on nutrition and am trying a raw diet."

"You're feeding them raw meat?" Wanda was disgusted.

"It's what they'd eat if they were wild." Phoebe put the ribs in a dish, then reached in the sink and pulled out a whole, skinned chicken for another dish. "They've been doing really well."

"I can tell." Wanda looked nervously at the back door, where the dogs were starting to whine and scratch. "Can't they get sick from it?"

"Their digestive tracts are different," Phoebe put a few meaty bones on the third dish and removed her gloves. "Hang on." She opened the door and gave a dish to one of the dogs, holding the other two back. She let one of those dogs go, put another dish down, and then put the third dish down. The dogs settled into their dinner and Phoebe closed the door.

"You're barbaric." Wanda shook her head. "No wonder Ralphie hasn't,"

"Ralphie and I are both really busy with school." Phoebe interrupted. "I don't know why everyone is pushing for us to do anything. We're just friends."

"That's not what he told me." Wanda tried.

"He didn't." Phoebe replied, running the water to clean out the sink. "And he likes that I'm providing proper nutrition for my rescues. He's thinking of studying nutrition himself."

Wanda smirked. "You guys aren't just friends."

"I don't have time for anything else." Phoebe sighed. "And I'm taking more anatomy this quarter. That means I have pictures of penises around my house and I smell like formaldehyde."

"When do you not have anatomy? When will you stop stinking?" Wanda asked.

"I'll always stink. It's part of being a vet." Phoebe said flatly. "That's what happens when your job involves animals."

* * *

"The good thing about the bar was that we didn't have to pick a church." Carlos muttered. He and DA were being continually chided by potential officiants for waiting so long to book a ceremony site. 

"Drop it." DA insisted. "Let's just look at one of those reception centers. There's a nice Victorian one just outside of town. We could do the whole thing there."

"Great." Carlos smiled. He wasn't sold on the idea, but he knew he'd better keep his mouth shut. DA was running on a short fuse. "Want to go now?"

"Sure." DA was exhausted from all the work she had to do. Fortunately, her dress and the bridesmaids' dresses were ordered. Now she just had to pick out flowers, food, drinks, the cake, the cake topper, invitations, calligraphy, decorations, and the ceremony and reception sites. Carlos was in charge of pruning the guest list.

The reception center was a beautifully restored Victorian home with large bride and groom dressing rooms, a meticulously kept garden, an in-house caterer, and a beautiful grand hall. Carlos was overwhelmed by the price tag – it was significantly over the budget – but Dorothy Ann was smitten by it. He tried to find ways to cut costs in his mind. Perhaps they could rent a wedding cake instead of buying one and have sheet cake brought to the guests. Maybe they could get Ralphie's dad, a chef, to help with the catering. They could have guests pay for their drinks.

"Let's do it." DA grinned. "It's perfect."

"It's great, I like it." Carlos said nervously. "But it's incredibly out of our budget. What can we cut?"

"We don't have to pay a band," DA suggested. "We can have Tim's band do it. And Janet can do the photography." Janet was decent with a camera. "You're renting a tux, right?"

"Sure." Carlos sighed. "We can cut back on flowers."

"Right," DA didn't want to, but if it was absolutely necessary, then she would. It was slightly easier to compromise now that they'd agreed to go into counseling.

"We could rent a cake." Carlos winced. "You can get Styrofoam cakes – but the top is real, so you still cut it, but it's really cheap."

"That's kind of tacky." DA thought hard. "But it looks real?"

"Yes." Carlos assured.

"I'm not ruling it out." DA conceded.

* * *

"Guess who's getting some tonight?" Keesha fumbled with the clasp on her necklace, which was much harder when she was holding the phone with her shoulder. 

"Good for you." Wanda replied. She still wasn't sure that Phoebe would be her in with Arnold, and if Keesha was gloating, that was a bad sign. "I don't care though."

"You're lying." Keesha grinned wickedly as she picked up the phone with her hand and adjusted her jewelry. "You haven't called Harry lately, have you?"

"I lost his number." Wanda mumbled. "He has mine, anyway."

"He probably lost it, you idiot." Keesha rolled her eyes. "Look, call Carlos and get Harry's number."

"Why?" Wanda asked. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"Because it confuses you." Keesha grinned. She looked awesome. She had a funky silk shirt buttoned halfway up with a purple spaghetti strap underneath and jeans that hugged her hips, then flared to cover her sandals. "Aren't you focusing on Ralphoebe or whatever you call them?"

"Doesn't that sound awesome?" Wanda asked. "I'm a genius."

"I wouldn't give you that." Keesha shrugged. "Can we call an Arnold-truce? Then we can combine our forces to get Phoebe laid."

Wanda pondered this. "Get me a date with Harry and I'll think about it."

"Deal." Keesha smiled.

* * *

"Isn't therapy for messed-up people?" Evan asked. 

"No," DA insisted. "It's for people who don't want to end up messed up."

"I think it's because you have to talk a hot guy like Carlos into marrying an ugly loser like you." Evan said snidely.

"Do you want me to kick you out of the wedding altogether? I'll do it." DA threatened.

"You can't. Mom will kill you." Evan retorted.

"Evan, grow up." DA rolled her eyes. "You're acting like you're in junior high."

"Am not!" Evan called after DA, who walked away, leaving Evan to listen to the echo of her childish argument.

* * *

"I think therapy is a great idea!" Janet enthused. Carlos wasn't so sure about talking to Janet about his personal life. He'd meant to talk to Tim about it, as the two men had been friends for eons, but Janet had happened to tag along, like some Jewish Yoko Ono. "And I'd love to help out with the photography." 

"And as long as playing doesn't interfere with my duties as – I'm not the best man, am I?" Tim asked.

"No, it's Ralphie this month." Carlos sighed. He was getting tired of the personnel rearranging, but was more than willing to keep quiet to make things easier. He never liked pointing out every little thing that was going wrong, something he was afraid he'd have to do in therapy.

"Well as long as it won't interfere with my duties, then I'd love to." Tim finished.

"Awesome." Carlos smiled. "Would you guys do it for cheap or free?" He cringed a little.

"Uh, sure." Tim shrugged. "It can be my wedding gift to you."

"And I won't charge you anything to take the pictures." Janet chimed in. "You can pay for your own prints, though."

"That's fair." Carlos was relieved. "We have the ceremony site picked out. We put the deposit down last week."

"Awesome." Tim smiled.

"Well I have to get off to my internship," Janet mused.

"Yeah, we're heading out." Tim put an arm around Janet. "I'm dropping her off." He explained to Carlos. Janet loved riding on Tim's motorcycle with him.

"See you later." Carlos called as they left the bar. It was before hours and he was by himself. He puttered around for a little while, tidying things up and making sure everything was in order. He looked at the calendar. He had grown more used to wedding planning, but still didn't get the enjoyment out of it that the girls seemed to. All he had to do was pick up a tux and show up, more or less. He wanted to do more, but not if it was stressful and boring, like it had been. He was just getting used to the quiet when Wanda burst in.

"I need Harry's number. Now." She demanded.

"Why?" Carlos asked, pulling out the wedding planning binder so he could find the guest list with the phone numbers and everything.

"Why else? So I can get laid." Wanda replied.

* * *

"You guys are going out, right?" Keesha was still on the phone while still getting ready, but she had a few hours to wait, so she was trusting that Wanda wouldn't bail on her. 

"No," Ralphie sighed. He was sick of answering this question.

"You just hang out all the time." Keesha finished.

"We're friends."

"Special friends?" Keesha asked.

"No."

"Friends that make out on occasion?"

"No."

"You haven't made out with her?" Keesha didn't believe it.

"Have you ever tried to make out with someone when you've got an entourage of dogs following you around?" Ralphie replied.

"So you've tried!" Keesha said triumphantly.

"I didn't say that," Ralphie tried. "I just – even if I did try, it wouldn't work too well."

"Honestly, Ralphie, what are you waiting for? God to come down and tell you to get with Phoebe?" Keesha asked dryly.

"I've asked her out." Ralphie shrugged.

"Somehow I don't believe she told you she wasn't interested." Keesha replied.

"Well I never called her, so it's probably too late." Ralphie cringed for the onslaught of yelling.

"Why didn't you call her?" Keesha demanded.

"I was busy with my internship." Ralphie explained. "And when I wasn't busy she was elbow-deep in cows."

"But Phoebe doesn't like cows!" Keesha replied, confused.

"She was learning about ruminant anatomy." Ralphie continued.

"Call her." Keesha repeated. "Call her now."

"I can't!" Ralphie exclaimed. "What happens when she graduates and becomes a vet?"

"Um, she opens her own practice?" Keesha was utterly confused by this tangent. "Are you worried that she'll be more successful than you?"

"No," Ralphie replied. "I'm worried that… she'll be Dr. T and that's my mom." He muttered.

"This comes down to your Oedipus complex?" Keesha tried not to laugh.

"I DON'T HAVE AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX." He insisted. "And if – heaven forbid – we get married, it only gets worse."

"You're thinking about marrying her? That's cute… and kind of creepy." Keesha had to try harder not to laugh.

"It just crossed my mind because she'd have the same name and title and everything as my mom." Ralphie argued. "Okay, not the same letters after, but still."

"You're so flustered." Keesha laughed. "It's hilarious."

* * *

"Okay, I got the number." Wanda said to Keesha, "and I'm getting some tonight. How goes the war?" 

"He's afraid that he'd marry her and she'd be Dr. Tennelli." Keesha laughed a bit.

"That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard!" Wanda cried. "I'm calling her and telling her."

"Don't!" Keesha insisted. "You'll scare her more than normal."

"You really think they'll work it out themselves." Wanda asked cynically.

"No." Keesha replied after a moment of thought. "I'm going to call you back."

"Good thinking. I'll call Ralphie." Wanda decided and hung up. She dialed the phone. "Ralphie, you're going to go on a date with Phoebe."

"Why am I taking calls from you?" Ralphie groaned.

"Because you want us to set you and Phoebe up so you won't have to do any work. Call her now, bring over some wine and a rental movie or whatever, and you better get some or I'll kill you and Phoebe both." Wanda ordered.

"But,"

"No buts, just do it now." Wanda hung up the phone. "Well, that was easy."

* * *

_Okay, this is it. _Ralphie thought. He rung the doorbell and heard two distinct barks, rather than three. Phoebe opened the door and smiled uneasily. 

"Hi," she said shyly. "What have you got?"

"I thought we could watch a movie, if you're not doing anything else." Ralphie offered.

"Sure, come in." Phoebe opened the screen door and stepped aside. Ralphie went into her house, like he had a bunch of times in the past little while, and was greeted by two dogs.

"Where's Sasha?" He asked. Phoebe had been fostering Sasha, a husky, in addition to Elliott, a basset hound mix, and Rose, a pit bull mix.

"She got adopted," Phoebe said proudly. "It hasn't been lonely though, with these two."

"Still feeding them raw?" Ralphie asked conversationally.

"Yeah, it's getting less disgusting." Phoebe stood about four feet away from Ralphie, who was just inside the door. "You brought wine?"

"I thought I'd bring something over besides me." Ralphie had thought the wine was a dumb idea, but had done it anyway. "Can I set this down?"

"Sure," Phoebe stepped out of the way. "I already fed the dogs, so…"

"Oh, awesome." Ralphie said awkwardly and set the bottle of wine on the table. "Um, why do you have a picture of a giant penis on your table?"

"It's from my notes." Phoebe tried to hide her blushing by moving the diagram out of the way. "We're studying the reproductive system."

"I think that was the biggest penis I've ever seen." Ralphie couldn't believe he was making conversation around penises.

"It's a horse penis. We study them because they're so – big." Phoebe bit her lip. There was an awkward silence. "Would you like a drink?"

"I'll have some wine if you will." Ralphie negotiated. His phone vibrated and he read the text message.

From: WANDA  
Remember, you do it tonight or I kill you.

Phoebe came back out from the kitchen with two goblets and set them on the table. She also had a corkscrew.

"Do you want me to get that?" Ralphie asked, but Phoebe had already started twisting the screw into the cork. "Never mind." He smiled. "I'll pop the movie in, if that's okay."

"This was really nice of you." Phoebe said. They hadn't really seen each other since Janet and Tim had revealed that they were supposed to be dating, and Phoebe had missed him in a bizarre way. She put the glasses of wine on the coffee table and sat on the couch next to Ralphie. _That's all the initiative I'll take._ She thought. _I can't take any more. I don't have time for a relationship. He's been holding back anyway. It's not going to happen. _

Ralphie had taken a sip of his wine, but set the glass back down on the coffee table. He was sick of "pussyfooting around," as Wanda had put it. "Phoebe," he said abruptly. "I'm sick of beating around the bush." Phoebe raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, I'm really not good at talking. I just have to tell you something."

"Look, I understand." Phoebe interrupted. She studied Ralphie's face, but he seemed more puzzled than relieved, which wasn't a good sign. She'd tried to give him the chance to let her down easy, but he hadn't taken the bait.

"You understand what?" Ralphie asked. "Now you've confused me."

"Oh, well never mind then." Phoebe said. "Sorry."

"Okay, all innuendo aside, I really like spending time with you and everything." Phoebe looked at him anxiously. "What's wrong?"

"But?" Phoebe asked.

"There's no but.'" Ralphie replied. "I just do, and I'd like to see where this goes."

"I thought you didn't – you were hesitant." Now Phoebe was confused. "And I thought it was me or that I smell like formaldehyde or have horse penises hanging around my house."

"Okay, that sounds really frightening and I'm glad I know what you mean." Ralphie laughed. "As long as I don't ever have to call you Dr. T, I'm happy." He was glad she knew that horse penises were big. He didn't want to compete with vet school in more ways than one. Still, he wished they were studying rabbit reproduction or something.

"That's like if I asked you to call me 'Mom.'" Phoebe said. "Your mom is cool and all, but that's just – weird."

"I'm glad you agree." Ralphie smiled and leaned in to kiss Phoebe.

* * *

"So, sorry I never called you." Harry blushed. "I just – we just kind of ran over to your place last time." 

"I understand." Wanda smiled. She'd had her share of flings in the past, but when she really wanted to, she could settle down with someone. She was trying to decide if she really wanted to with Harry when Keesha and Arnold walked in.

"Oh, hey." Keesha smiled.

"Mind if we join?" Arnold asked suavely. Wanda wished he hadn't. She looked across the table at Harry and tried to forget that she'd been in hot pursuit of Arnold on and off for her entire life.

"Sure, go right ahead!" Harry smiled pleasantly.

"You better not hit on my date." Keesha threatened.

"Force of habit," Wanda cringed. "I'll try."

"There is no try." Keesha retorted as Arnold and Harry looked at each other and shrugged. Girls were as weird as they ever were.

"Shut up, Yoda." Wanda rolled her eyes. "Anyway," she turned back to Harry and flashed her most winning smile. "We were just about to order."

Wanda did very well throughout dinner. She focused on Harry and tried to only speak with Arnold through or about Keesha or the wedding. After Keesha and Arnold left, Harry leaned forward to talk to her.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked under his breath.

"It's kind of a long story. I'll tell you later." Wanda hated being called on stuff like this. "Why don't we get out of here?"

Harry had been waiting for her to say that. Wanda, besides being incredibly gorgeous, was dynamite in bed. "Your place or mine?" He asked.

* * *

**Reviews are still love! Thanks for all the stuff I've gotten so far!**


	7. Keesha has primal urges

**6. Keesha has primal urges**

**May 2008 – 6 weeks to go**

The wedding had, much to DA's chagrin, fallen into the background. She was just about to quit taking it when she got word of a bridal shower. She and Carlos had been in couples therapy for the past six months, and he was taking responsibility for much of the wedding now. Things were coming together just fine. DA was driving back to Walkerville from yet another long day at the law library and talking to Phoebe on her cell phone. She was good at multi-tasking.

"No, you have to have a French manicure." DA sighed. "I'm sure plenty of vets do spays with French manicures."

"But the dogs wiggle." Phoebe complained.

"Then use more anesthesia!" DA groaned. "Jesus, am I a better vet than you?"

"We have to do a physical once they come to!" Phoebe sounded slightly miffed, not something she normally did. "And sometimes those neutered dogs try to lick – and they really want to. Have you ever tried to restrain a dog so it can't lick its crotch?"

"Fine, then get it done two days before the wedding, but don't blame me if you can't do anything." DA rolled her eyes. "I'll make an appointment for all of us so they don't bitch and moan."

"Sounds great." Phoebe was at a department store with DA's registry, trying to find a suitable shower gift. "Remember – brunch tomorrow's on us."

"Thanks." DA said quickly and hung up. She thought for a moment, then called Keesha, who didn't answer. She called Arnold.

"Hey, how's it going?" Arnold asked cheerfully.

"Fine, just stressed." DA replied. "I haven't heard anything about you and Keesha for a while. What's going on?"

Arnold had been waiting for this. He and Keesha had agreed not to voluntarily give out information concerning their relationship lest it get back to DA, but they didn't want to risk keeping any secrets. "Oh, we're doing fine." He said, portraying clearly that he didn't want to talk about it.

"Are you serious or anything?" DA prodded. It was close enough to her wedding that her friends' relationships could start clouding her day.

"I don't know, why?" Arnold shrugged.

"The last thing I need is for an engagement to be announced at my reception, or my bachelorette party, or my shower." DA said firmly. "So if you're getting married, do it after my wedding reception is over."

"It's kind of hard to plan a wedding in six weeks," Arnold couldn't help but joke.

"You know what I mean." DA snapped. "Tell Ralphie. I'm almost home and I don't have time to call him."

"So you got this crazy idea that your wedding party should be all couples and now you're taking it back?" Arnold was good at calling people on their crazy sides. He was pretty level himself, prone to the occasional dramatics, but he kept that for the courtroom where it was better suited.

"I'm not," DA retorted. "I just don't want you guys taking it so far."

* * *

"We should have at least 15 people coming." Phoebe panted, hauling a huge tray of fresh fruit from the kitchen to the living room.

"Awesome." Keesha grinned. She was slicing banana bread. Wanda was rearranging the living room furniture so it would look better than usual. The bridal shower was at Phoebe's house, and the dogs she was fostering were in "daycare" at another volunteer's house. Although they weren't invited, Arnold and Ralphie had put in their time helping to cook and clean. It was nearly 11 a.m. and Phoebe was dying to sink her teeth into some of the banana bread Ralphie had made. Like his father, Ralphie was an excellent cook. Phoebe had been awake since six that morning making final preparations, including coffee, teas, and fresh squeezed juices. She and the bridesmaids (not including Evan, who was busy with high school stuff) had worked to prepare games and small favors for the party guests. The doorbell began ringing at 11:15. At last, Dorothy Ann arrived at 11:35, and brunch was officially served.

"So, where's the food?" DA asked. Keesha, Wanda, and Phoebe looked at her incredulously.

"Yeah, I'm starving!" Evan cried. Wanda was upset that Evan hadn't been too busy to show up, although she was too busy to help out. Keesha and Phoebe were less upset. Keesha hadn't had her coffee yet that morning, and Phoebe was assuming the best in everyone.

"Well we have fresh fruit, some coffee cake, banana bread…" Phoebe offered.

"I thought we were going to have flapjacks or something – a real breakfast." Ellen Mauer pointed out.

"Can't your lumberjack boyfriend fix us some pancakes?" DA sounded almost serious.

"Ralphie isn't a lumberjack," Phoebe sounded confused.

"He looks like one with his stubble grown out." DA wrinkled her nose. "So this is it?"

Keesha gave Wanda a look ordering her not to say anything. "Yes," Keesha smiled pleasantly.

"If we would've thrown you a shower," DA's aunt started in a thick northern accent while loading a plate with coffee cake and strawberries, "we definitely would've had some flapjacks."

"You could still throw her one." Evan insisted. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"Now, now," her aunt scolded. "Don't be greedy, even if it's for your sister."

Phoebe looked at the mounds of food on the table and wondered what she did wrong.

Wanda always preferred mixed company, and the shower served as a reminder of this. There was too much estrogen in the room, and she was afraid to tell the group her real piece of advice for a successful marriage: "BLOW JOBS." Instead, she made something up about listening to each other and stuck the paper in her pocket for later. By the end of that game (Phoebe's idea), everyone who wasn't married felt really stupid and everyone who was felt their wisdom was heard and heeded. A few of DA's aunts started checking their watches, so Phoebe transitioned to gifts. DA was the image of a graceful bride: squealing with delight when appropriate and not shy with hugs. Phoebe was jotting down gifts and their givers as quickly as she could, as DA was quite eager with tearing off wrapping paper. At 2:30, everyone was nearly gone and had left a mess of room-temperature fruit and scraps of ribbon and wrapping paper.

"That was awesome, if I do say so myself." Keesha smiled. Phoebe hadn't had any coffee, and was wilting.

"Do you need any help?" DA offered sweetly.

"What was up with demanding more food?" Wanda affronted her. "We worked all morning on that stuff. Look at Phoebe! She can hardly stand!"

"I can stand." Phoebe said drowsily. "I just need a little nap." The doorbell rang. "Oh crap. Let me get that." Keesha dodged between DA and Phoebe and ran to the door.

"It's Ralphie!" Keesha called.

"What's he doing here so soon afterward?" DA demanded. "What if my family were still here?"

"I thought you wanted him here to make you pancakes." Keesha hissed as Phoebe moseyed sleepily to the living room.

"Hey," Ralphie said, kissing Phoebe on the cheek.

"Stop that!" DA snapped. "What if he'd come over and started making out with Phoebe at the shower?"

"For someone who tried so hard to push them together, you're pretty pissy." Wanda pointed out. DA squared her jaw. Wanda was pointing this out? _Wanda_, of all people?

"Well, for someone who is supposedly looking after what's best for her friends, isn't it a little hypocritical for you to harbor feelings for Arnold?" DA pointed out. Wanda's jaw dropped.

"What?" Keesha was incredulous. "Wanda, are you serious?"

"I can't help it," Wanda blushed. DA was playing her last nerve. "It's a habit, I guess."

"But I thought you were over it! You said you were!" Keesha almost begged.

"I'm trying!" Wanda insisted. "You weren't even supposed to bring that up, DA!" She looked to Phoebe, who would usually step in as the voice of reason, but she was snoring quietly on the couch. Phoebe could sleep through anything.

"Shut up!" Ralphie cried.

"Stay out of this." DA snapped. "You aren't even supposed to be here."

"This is Phoebe's house and she invited me over to clean up after your party." Ralphie said sternly. "Stop acting like everything revolves around you."

"But I'm getting married." DA argued. "Everything _does _revolve around me."

* * *

"Don't you think Dorothy Ann is going a little overboard on the wedding?" Tim asked.

"No, she has every right to make sure our day is special." Carlos snapped back. "If she gets a little bossier than normal, that's fine with me." Tim and Arnold looked at each other hopelessly. "So both of you know that you can't get engaged or anything now, right?"

"You're kidding." Arnold shook his head. "DA told me about it, but I didn't expect you,"

"The last thing we need is for someone else to ruin the wedding." Carlos insisted. "You don't want to ruin the wedding, do you?"

"You can't expect us to divulge every bit of our personal lives to you!" Arnold argued. "That's ridiculous."

"I'm not asking for details, just for you not to do anything serious." Carlos said reasonably.

"How exactly would any one of us getting engaged upstage you?" Tim asked.

"You'd have to focus your attention away from the wedding." Carlos couldn't believe how stupid his friends were being. "We're the first of the group to get married. This will never happen again. Don't you see how important it is?"

"Stop giving yourself delusions of grandeur." Janet quipped. "It's an important day for you and Dorothy Ann, and for the rest of us, but putting expectations on everyone else isn't helping."

"Carlos!" DA burst into the bar. "Ralphie crashed the bridal shower!"

"What?" Carlos gasped. "I thought he was cool!"

"Me too, but he came in 'to help clean up' and started kissing Phoebe. What if my aunts had been there? It was for ladies only!" DA rattled on.

"Wait, he came in after everyone left?" Carlos asked. "That's not so bad."

"But if he was just fifteen minutes earlier," DA started.

"Maybe you need to clearly outline your expectations for the girls." Carlos suggested. The time in therapy had really helped Carlos and DA see the crucial importance of their wedding and their roles in it.

"Ralphie?" Arnold asked into his phone as he moved quickly across the bar. "Where are you? I think we need to talk."

* * *

"What do you mean 'we need to talk'?" Ralphie asked Arnold, who was standing on the front porch. "That's what you say before you dump somebody. Are you breaking up with me?" He opened the screen door and let Tim, Janet, and Arnold in.

"I couldn't do that, Ralphie!" Arnold joked.

"So we're all here, then?" Keesha asked. "Anyone want some fruit?"

"Yeah!" Tim said eagerly. "They didn't eat all the banana bread?"

"They wanted pancakes." Phoebe muttered, waking up. "When did everyone get here? When did I fall asleep? What time is it?"

"You fell asleep right after I got here – it's about 3:30." Ralphie explained. "They just got here."

"Wait, her family came in here and wanted pancakes?" Tim was amazed. "After all the work you did?"

"They talked about throwing her a different shower." Wanda added. "One with 'real breakfast.' DA told Phoebe to get Ralphie over here to cook pancakes. She sounded serious. Then when Ralphie showed up to help clean, she threw a fit."

"She insisted we were making out," Ralphie started. "Phoebe was hardly awake when I got here."

"It was one of the most benign kisses I've ever seen." Keesha said. "And I've seen way more than I would've liked from them."

"It wasn't our fault you didn't knock." Ralphie argued.

"Well who left the door unlocked?" Keesha retorted. "I'm guessing it was probably one of the two naked people who were on the table when I came in!"

"Ew, the same table we just ate off?" Wanda asked, looking disgusted.

"I cleaned it." Phoebe sighed. "Anyway, what's going on?"

"Carlos and DA want to keep us from committing until after the wedding." Arnold sighed. "I don't know exactly what that means, but…"

"Oh, I bet that means us." Keesha rolled her eyes. "This is bad."

"What happened?" Phoebe tilted her head.

"Are you pregnant?" Wanda asked.

"We're moving in together." Arnold put his arm around Keesha. He had just graduated from law school (he zipped through undergrad) and had accepted a job at a firm in Walkerville. He and Keesha were the model of success, even though DA (with a year left in law school) and Carlos wouldn't admit to it. "We signed a lease and are moving at the beginning of June."

"And there's no way I'm going to ask Dorothy Ann's permission to live my life as an adult." Keesha insisted. "I'm not even asking her to help me move – I have it taken care of with my cousins – so I won't 'ruin' her precious wedding."

"You might want to settle down, Keesha." Ralphie warned.

"She has no right to stick her nose into our lives in the name of her wedding!" Keesha blurted.

"She probably just wants us to focus on being happy for her." Phoebe pointed out.

"That doesn't give her carte blanche to pull this shit." Keesha shook her head.

"Speaking of which," Wanda added uneasily, "we have to plan that bachelorette party."

"Aren't you supposed to have one or the other?" Tim asked, confused.

"A lot of people do have both." Janet offered.

"She just wants presents." Keesha scoffed. "Presents and to control our lives. Next it'll be no sex at the reception."

"That's tyranny!" Wanda cried.

"So you're with me now?" Keesha smiled.

"Hell yes, we're giving that bitch a talking-to!" Wanda nearly yelled.

"Calm down," Arnold laughed. "It hasn't gotten that far yet." It was too late. Wanda was already on the phone.

"So, DA, how's life?" Wanda asked, putting the phone on speaker.

"Good," DA sounded suspicious. "What's going on?"

"Well, I was just thinking about all the weddings in the movies, you know, and almost always the bridal party ends up ducking out of the reception to have sex." Wanda sounded very convincingly casual.

"IF YOU DO THAT, I WILL KILL YOU." DA practically screamed. "You can have sex any time you want, but you're not leaving MY reception to satisfy YOUR primal urges."

"Like killing?" Keesha asked quietly.

Wanda hit the speakerphone button again and said, "Okay, I just wanted to hear your thoughts." Unfortunately, the conversation with DA over the horrors of her bridal party having sex on her wedding day was far from over.

* * *

**It's a bit short, but I have a bachelor party to write, as well as a bachelorette party. **


	8. Arnold gets naked

**7. Arnold gets naked**

**June 2008 – 3 weeks to go**

"Ralphie, please tell me you didn't get strippers." Arnold pleaded. The guys were at the bar getting ready for the bachelor party.

"Tim told me that Carlos would wring my neck if I hired strippers." Ralphie assured Arnold. "Carlos, on the other hand, told me it wasn't a bachelor party without strippers."

"What did you do? Hire a single stripper and hope you'd get off on a technicality?" Arnold asked.

"You'll see." Ralphie grinned.

"Hey-o!" Tim called as he entered the bar.

"Hey-o!" Ralphie and Arnold replied in unison. It was a habit the guys had picked up.

"Where's the stripper?" Tim asked.

"Someone's horny." Ralphie taunted.

"It's a bachelor party!" Tim retorted, blushing a little. "There's supposed to be at least one stripper here."

"Well Carlos doesn't want strippers." Ralphie shrugged. "Or he does. Who knows?"

"Then call ONE stripper!" Tim suggested.

"That's what I told him!" Arnold argued.

"It's a little late for that." Ralphie insisted. "I've already made plans."

"So where the hell is the stripper?" Carlos barged in with Harry on his heels.

"You told me you didn't want one, so I told Ralphie." Tim said plainly.

"What are you, girls? DA was right there!" Carlos whined.

"I got you a shirt…" Ralphie taunted.

"You got him a shirt?" Tim asked.

"Go with me, you'll like it." Ralphie promised and unfolded a blue shirt with yellow print reading "I only have eyes for you" in large print across the front, and in smaller print below it, "and strippers" was in parentheses.

"I LOVE IT!" Carlos cried, "But where are my strippers?" Ralphie whistled, turned the "mood lights" on (so it wasn't too bright) and hit play on the bar's jukebox. "Because We Can," a high-energy number that was vaguely familiar to Carlos, besides the fact that it had been on _Moulin Rouge_, filled the bar. He turned eagerly toward the door, and Tim and Arnold couldn't help but satisfy their curiosity by looking as well. Two curvy silhouettes appeared and danced their way down the bar (fortunately they weren't very tall), which allowed for their figures to be shown off. The men were enjoying beer when one of the girls slipped. Arnold, being a gentleman, caught her (although Carlos did make a valiant effort – she was, after all, a stripper). As he was helping her back up, he caught a glimpse at her face.

"Janet?" He asked, horrified.

"Yeah?" Janet mimicked him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He wondered.

"Stripping, what does it look like?" Janet was very, very drunk.

"What the hell?" Tim cried.

"Show's over!" Janet called.

"Damn, I was just about to start stripping." The other dancer said. When she spoke it became obvious that she was Wanda.

"WANDA?" Carlos felt nauseous. "Ralphie, you hired Janet and Wanda as strippers?"

"I didn't want to spend money on real strippers when I'd need it for a funeral." Ralphie shrugged. "But I didn't want you to get mad, so I thought I'd ask our friends here."

"We still got the moves from drill team, huh?" Wanda asked. She, too, was piss drunk.

"You're disturbing me." Carlos replied frankly.

"Whatever, you've seen me naked and you liked it." Wanda grinned lecherously. "Remember that one time we," she thought a moment and looked like she was regaining her balance. "Ten times in a day?" She finished.

"Look, the only girls allowed are strippers." Carlos tried to explain. "And you're not real strippers, so leave."

"I figured it was a safe bet." Ralphie laughed.

"You were SO wrong." Carlos gagged. "I don't want to even think about female Arnold naked."

"See you later, hon." Tim kissed Janet before Carlos shoved her out the door.

"Cut it with the PDA. You're whipped." Carlos rolled his eyes.

"But how whipped is he?" Ralphie asked mischievously.

"Shit, what is it now?" Arnold sighed.

"Let's have some drinks." Ralphie grinned.

* * *

Arnold had made it into Keesha's apartment, somehow, but he was oddly naked. On occasion, he slept naked, but never on Keesha's couch. He remembered a few bits and pieces of the night before; like that he'd had to walk home naked. He didn't remember why he'd had to go out in public naked, but he didn't really mind. Everything after the strippers was a blur. The more he thought of it, the more of it came together. He remembered thinking that Ralphie's falsetto was disturbingly good. 

His nudity wasn't much of an issue. Arnold enjoyed being naked, and alcohol only intensified this.

_"I feel like partying right now!" Arnold had cried, pulling off his t-shirt. Tim stopped singing "I'm too Sexy," lest he encourage Arnold more. "I'm too sexy for my shirt," Arnold half-chanted, half-sung. _

_"Oh shit, no!" Tim protested, but it was too late – Arnold was already unzipping his pants. Since he was drunk, he had danced around with his jeans around his ankles for a while (and fell a few times) before kicking his shoes off occurred to him. _

_"I__ do my little turn on the – OW!" Arnold cried as he fell down. _

_"__Quick, Mikey, run him down before he gets nuder!" Tim cried._

_"I can't do anything quick!" Mikey protested. He was a sleepy drunk. Harry got up and started pushing Mikey toward Arnold, who struggled to get up. He ended up rolling to the side just as Harry and Mikey passed. He kicked his shoes off from his sitting position on the floor._

_"__Come on! Don't you want to be free?" Arnold asked, pulling off his socks._

_"Why the hell not?" Ralphie pulled off his shirt._

_"__Look, we're too sexy for our shirts!" Carlos laughed, trying to pull his shirt off, to no avail. "So sexy it hurts!"_

_"Y__ou're making my face hurt." Tim retorted, laughing. _

_"You're jealous of this." Carlos pointed at his lean belly, which was exposed although his shirt was technically still on. _

_"If he's jealous, then why are you staring at Arnold?" Ralphie pointed out._

_"Yeah, Carlos, stop staring." Arnold laughed. "Didn't you ever learn that it's not nice to stare?" _

_"You're not a stripper." Tim joined. "Maybe his shirt should say 'I only have eyes for Arnold.'" _

_"Give me that marker," Arnold grabbed a Sharpie and scrawled "and Arnold!" on Carlos' shirt. _

Arnold smiled and moved slowly into the kitchen for some orange juice, but instead decided to climb into bed with Keesha. It would be a nice surprise when she woke up.

* * *

The next morning, Tim woke up in a mound of clothes. "What the hell?" He asked, picking up a crumpled blue shirt that said "I only have eyes for you" on it. He smiled and laughed, then noticed something was different. Something was scrawled in Sharpie below "and strippers." Tim squinted a bit until he could make out the lettering. In drunken, left-leaning print, "and Arnold!" was inscribed. Tim thought really hard, but couldn't remember what possessed Arnold to write that Carlos had eyes for him on a t-shirt. Then he remembered Carlos' heartfelt rendition of "Like a Virgin" the night before. Carlos had gotten into the spirit set by Arnold (the drunken master of stripping) and thrown his shirt onto Tim's head while singing. He also seemed to remember Carlos being amorous with a chair while singing. Carlos was a ham with stuff like karaoke. He was only shown up by Arnold's "Beat It," and Ralphie's "Walk Like a Man." Neither had a great voice, but Arnold, the pale Jewish guy singing Michael Jackson was so good that he didn't have to be good. Ralphie also had a bizarre way of singing falsetto better than he should be able to. Still, Ralphie hadn't done slow pelvic thrusts into a barstool, something he wondered if Carlos even remembered. 

_"Some boys try and some boys lie, but I don't let them play. Only boys that save their pennies make my rainy day." Arnold danced around, "Cause we are living in a material world," he began, and the others joined in. _

_Arnold, having already grabbed his crotch (a la Michael Jackson) and cried "ow!" so he had no qualms doing it while he sang Madonna. _

_"Dude, that was sweet!" Harry cried. "You know what we should do now?"_

"_Your turn!" Arnold pointed._

_"__Yeah!" Carlos seconded. _

_"__I already know what I want to sing." Harry grinned and swaggered up to the karaoke machine. "But you all gotta sing too." _

_"__Hell yeah!" Mikey shouted. All the men started dancing around as the song started. _

_"__Check it out, my body!" Harry gestured at his chest, which was one of the few still clothed. He got a good response, so he kept dancing, gesturing, and prancing about as he sang. Finally, the whole room erupted into the chorus: _

_"__Macho, macho man! I got to be a macho man!" They all sang and strutted. No one noticed exactly when Arnold took off his underwear, but no one really cared. _

_"__Look how macho I am!" Arnold cried. _

_"P__UT IT AWAY!" Carlos squealed. _

_"__You're just jealous because I'm a good three inches bigger." Arnold kept singing "macho, macho man" under his breath. _

_"You aren't!" Carlos retorted, sounding like a petulant child._

_"PROVE IT!" Tim cried in his best Janet impersonation, which was remarkably good. _

_"__You got to be a macho, macho man!" Ralphie taunted. _

_"__You got to be a macho man!" Harry joined in. _

_"SEE?" Carlos pulled down his pants and boxers at once. "YOU HAVE ONE INCH ON ME, TOPS." _

_"It looks like Godzilla!" Ralphie cringed._

_"__What the hell does that mean?" Carlos retorted._

_"I__t means you're ugly." Mikey giggled. "Let's do the song again."_

_Carlos and Arnold strutted around the bar to show off their nudity, much to the dismay of some of the others. _

Tim was always amused by his friends' drunk antics, even when he acted otherwise. He just didn't know how to react sometimes. He shoved the pile of clothes off his bed and went back to sleep. He'd deal with the clothes when someone forced him out of bed.

* * *

Ralphie's throat was sore, which only meant one thing: he'd been singing again. His whole body was sore, but it didn't hurt as bad as his head, which seemed to have something metal banging on it. 

"Ralphie? What are you doing on my doorstep?" Phoebe asked. "Where are your clothes?"

"I have no idea." Ralphie groaned. "Your step is comfy."

"I doubt it," Phoebe smiled and crouched down so she was more at eye level with Ralphie. "Do you want to come in?"

"Sure." Ralphie grinned and took Phoebe's offered hand as help up. Fortunately, he was still wearing his underwear, unlike Arnold, who hated putting his underwear back on when he was drunk.

_"See you guys, I'm going home." Arnold had announced. "And by home I mean getting laid." _

_"Whatever__." Harry laughed. "And how do you know you're getting laid?"_

_"I'm ARNOLD." Arnold couldn't believe Harry didn't get it. "I had Wanda and Keesha and – I had all your girlfriends after me." He laughed._

_"Not Janet." Tim argued._

_"Whatever." Arnold shrugged. "She so wants hot incest with me. DA's sister can hardly keep her pants on long enough to be legal." _

_"I didn't know you got so vulgar." Mikey rolled his eyes._

_"I CAN'T HELP IT IF EVERYONE WANTS TO BANG ME." Arnold yelled. _

Ralphie laughed. "What?" Phoebe asked.

"Arnold was going off about how everyone wants to bang him." Ralphie got up slowly and followed Phoebe inside. "He was kind of yelling about it and talking about how Janet even wants him. It was kind of hilarious."

"He can be kind of an ass when he's drunk." Phoebe sighed.

"He was thrusting and prancing around naked." Ralphie sat down on the couch and tried not to fall asleep. "Do you have any clothes I could borrow?"

"Yeah, hang on." Phoebe went into her bedroom and got a big old t-shirt and some sweatpants out and tossed them to Ralphie, who got up and stepped into the pants. "So you guys had fun then?"

"It's always fun when Arnold gets naked." Ralphie bit his cheek and paused in pulling the t-shirt over his head when he heard what he said. "You know what I mean, right?" He looked at her earnestly and sat back on the couch.

"I think I know what you don't mean." Phoebe laughed.

"Good, because I don't think I'm at liberty to discuss what happened." Ralphie's eyes drooped.

"Come on," Phoebe reached for him and pulled him up. "You slept on the doorstep for who knows how long."

"It didn't hurt." Ralphie tried rationalizing, but Phoebe was dragging him down the hall. "But if you're going to throw me in bed, I think I can handle it."

"Good." Phoebe grinned, letting go of his arm as they arrived at the edge of the bed. "I've got another hour or two before I have to feed the dogs anyway."

* * *

Carlos rolled over and cracked his eyes open. The morning (afternoon?) light pounded on his head and he groaned, shutting his eyes. He reached for the headboard, but felt more pillows than usual. He opened his eyes and nearly immediately regretted it, but he was confused. He felt naked. He ducked his head under the covers and looked – he was most definitely naked. He didn't know how he felt about this. He winced and looked around the room through squinting eyes. He hadn't been there before, but something about it was familiar. He groped around the nightstand for something, anything, but found only an opened condom wrapper. This wasn't looking good. He was about to panic when he was interrupted. 

"Good morning," a nasal voice said.

"What happened?" Carlos asked. "I don't remember anything! Did I sleep with you?" She stepped into clear view. Carlos gasped. "Oh God, no – not Janet!"

* * *

**Did Carlos sleep with Janet? Only time will tell, if anyone will.  
**


	9. Janet gives dancing lessons

**8. Janet gives dancing lessons**

Only a few minutes into the bachelorette party, Phoebe glanced nervously at her phone for the umpteenth time.

"Stop being such a downer!" DA slugged her arm.

"So then Janet and I came in, drunk off our asses, and did the can-can." Wanda continued with the story of how she became a stripper. "You should've seen the looks on their faces."

"It was pretty awesome." Janet laughed. "I was so plastered and then I woke up and Carlos was naked in my bed."

"He told me about that." DA's tone was serious. "You didn't sleep with him, did you?" Janet's face fell a little.

"I don't know." Janet said quietly. "I just remember waking up."

"But you wouldn't make Carlos cheat on me, would you?" DA said firmly.

"I can't make Carlos do anything." Janet folded her arms. "You think I'd throw everything I have with Tim away for Carlos?" She laughed. "Please."

"Putting him down isn't going to help." DA gritted her teeth. "I know Carlos has girls falling all over him. You know how hard I had to fight to get him and keep him? I've seen his effect on girls." Keesha and Wanda snickered.

"Um, DA, having been with Carlos, I'm going to go with he's not all that great. No offense." Wanda giggled.

"He didn't really have any girls following him around." Keesha continued. "Maybe in high school, yeah, he had all the younger girls who didn't know any better giggling over him."

"You just can't appreciate a good thing when you see it." DA insisted. "And I know that girls liked him."

"Whatever, DA." Keesha shrugged. "If it helps you sleep at night, keep believing what the voices tell you."

"Why are you being so mean?" Phoebe asked, glancing up from her phone. "They're getting married."

"Their egos are so huge right now," Wanda started, "that someone's got to remind them that the rest of us are important."

"They're both so prone to being pompous idiots that we have to stop it somehow." Keesha finished.

"I like the way you think!" Janet smiled.

"Why can't we make fun of Phoebe, like we always do?" DA asked.

"Because she has better taste in men and isn't a bitch." Janet retorted.

"Nice." Wanda nodded her approval.

Phoebe's phone rang – the theme from _Raiders of the Lost Ark _– (Phoebe had gone through an anthropology phase that left her with a severe crush on Harrison Ford) and she reached for it. DA grabbed it first. "Ralphie?" She asked, incredulous. "Phoebe, does the phrase 'chicks before dicks' mean anything to you?"

"I really need to take it." Phoebe pleaded.

"Why?" DA was angry. "What could he have to say that's possibly more important than _my_ bachelorette party?"

"One of the –" Phoebe started, but DA answered the phone.

"Ralphie, hi, it's DA. You know, your friend who's getting married? Yeah, you're interrupting my really important bachelorette party. I don't know if you remembered, but your little girlfriend is my maid of honor and she needs to be fully present here." DA lectured.

"Just text her if it's that important!" Keesha yelled.

"And – Ralphie?" DA stopped. "He hung up." Keesha laughed evilly.

"Can I please have my phone? It's really important." Phoebe grabbed the phone, which beeped.

"Why do you care so much?" DA demanded. "You're being a horrible maid of honor!"

Phoebe gasped. "I have to leave. I'm sorry, but I have to leave." She checked her purse for her keys and wallet.

"Why haven't you told me what's so important?"

"You keep interrupting me!" Phoebe cried. "Maggie is in labor. She needs veterinary attention."

"Who the hell is Maggie?" DA asked.

"The rescued Wheaton – she's just one and she might have been bred by a lab or something. The puppies could kill her and I can't take that chance. I'm sorry, I have to go." Phoebe panted.

"Come back in a few minutes!" DA yelled. "If you're not back here in an hour, you're kicked out of the wedding!"

"DA, the bitch is in whelp. I could be gone all night!" Phoebe protested. Wanda and Keesha giggled something about Maggie not being the only bitch in whelp, whatever that meant.

"I don't care about your stupid dogs!" DA nearly screamed. The bar quieted down. "It's your choice. If you want to pick some ugly mutt over me – and you've known me for 15 years – then be my guest." Phoebe shook her head and ran out of the bar in tears.

"I so don't feel like being at this party any more." Janet whispered to Keesha and Wanda, who nodded.

* * *

After a few drinks, DA was livid. She was convinced that no one (besides Keesha, Janet, and Wanda) had shown up because Phoebe was too concerned with her "precious little doggies" to plan her a proper party. She wasn't too pleased with Janet either, whom she saw as no more than a common sleaze who'd try to steal away her prized Carlos. What kept her drinking was the insecurity that Keesha and Wanda were right: Carlos wasn't a god, but a man – a man who liked strippers and could have slept with Janet. She was trying to be above the stupid clingy girlfriend Phoebe was (what with waiting for Ralphie to call), yet more caring than the disinterested Wanda. She was trying to have a good time, singing the Backstreet Boys and making merry, but it was difficult in an increasingly empty bar. At last, she picked up her phone and dialed. 

"Hello?" Ralphie asked.

"PHOEBE." DA yelled.

"She's busy right now." Ralphie tried, but DA yelled again.

"Why are you answering Phoebe's phone?"

"Phoebe's currently up to her elbow in dog birthing – stuff." Ralphie managed.

"I don't care!" DA tried.

"Her hands are kind of in the dog's uterus at the moment." Ralphie said politely.

"SO?" DA sighed furiously. "Give her the phone."

"What is it?" Phoebe tried to sound nice, but she was irritated. She hoped this wouldn't take long as she had to help Ralphie know what to do in case one of the pups faded. The vet looked irritated.

"Are you coming back?" DA asked sweetly. "How's the dog?"

"She's undergoing a c-section right now and I have to go." Phoebe said quickly. Ralphie pulled the phone back and ducked out of the room.

"She got the look of death from the vet there." Ralphie explained.

"I don't want to talk to you. I want to talk to Phoebe." DA pouted.

"She's in surgery."

"This is an emergency!" DA insisted.

"SHE'S DEALING WITH AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION." Ralphie's voice was louder than he'd anticipated. "I have to go and get back in there to help."

"Whatever." DA rolled her eyes. "She could've told me she was unreliable. Tell her she's kicked out of the wedding." She closed her phone and looked up at the girls, whose eyes were wide.

"Is everything okay?" Keesha asked.

"It is now." DA sighed happily. "Janet, you're a bridesmaid. You can walk with Tim."

"Is Phoebe okay?" Wanda tried Keesha's question again.

"I don't want to talk about her. She chose that stupid mutt over me." DA said angrily.

"It's about time someone told you this, Dorothy Ann." Keesha took a deep breath, but before she could speak, Wanda slapped DA across the face.

"STOP BEING A HEINOUS BITCH!" Wanda yelled.

"What?" DA put her fingers to her lips in disbelief.

"You've been manipulative, controlling, and generally crazy." Keesha lectured. "You've been telling us what we can and cannot do to ridiculous levels – who we can and cannot date, have sex with, whatever – but to tell Phoebe her job is stupid is completely out of line."

"You're right," DA cried. "I've been so mean to you all along."

"And that's why no one wanted to come." Janet confessed. "And your accusing me of seducing Carlos was completely uncalled for. You've disregarded everyone else's feelings to build up your own delusions of a perfect wedding with your perfect Carlos. Nothing's perfect. Your wedding will have flaws. You'll get over it."

"You've been worse than most of what I read on Etiquette Hell." Keesha said sincerely. "And that shit is terrible. You've caused nearly everyone you've liked to hate you at some point."

"I didn't mean to – I just wanted everything to go well, and the stress…" DA sobbed.

"You can't blame stress for turning you insane." Wanda said firmly. "You acted like a total douchebag. There's no excuse for that."

"You've had it easy!" DA argued.

"Really?" Keesha raised her eyebrows.

"Let's see, I haven't known exactly what I'm supposed to do for more than a day, everything I do is wrong, I have to be dating someone but not too seriously…" Wanda enumerated. "I don't like having my every move okayed by anyone. I'm not a kid."

"It's not my fault my aunts wanted pancakes." DA wiped a tear away. "They're from Minnesota."

"Do you realize that Ralphie and Arnold busted their butts getting ready for a shower they weren't even invited to?" Keesha asked. "That's the kind of friendship you've taken advantage of for a whole year and we're sick of it."

"But Janet slept with my fiancé!" DA sobbed in a last-ditch effort at sympathy. "I should get some credit for putting up with that gracefully!"

"Chewing Janet out in front of everyone isn't graceful." Wanda pointed out. "You were pretty bitchy about that, too."

"Your delusions of Carlos' perfection don't help either." Janet shrugged. "His – parts – aren't all that noteworthy, and he really gets on my nerves sometimes."

"I know." DA sighed. "It's just that the counselor told us to be proud,"

"For crying out loud." Keesha was exasperated. "What's next, your mommy never loved you? Take responsibility."

"It's not my fault!" DA insisted.

"It is." Keesha said firmly. "It's your fault you got too crazy to care about your friends. All you can do now is apologize and move on."

"I'm sorry!" DA wailed.

* * *

Carlos couldn't sleep. What if Janet told DA everything? It made him nervous because he didn't know what happened, so why should DA? Of course, if Janet told DA, then DA would tell him, so it would be okay. During times like these, Carlos wondered why they'd stopped going to therapy. He looked nervously at the acceptance letter from Walker State University's MBA program in his hand. DA wanted him to be a doctor or an engineer or something, not a business man. He had tried to go into something "smarter," but he'd always loved working in the dynamic business world, and he didn't want to start off a marriage of compromise by giving up his dreams. She didn't have to like what he was doing in order to support him, and all he needed was her support. He had the innovation and charisma to go places, and he couldn't let anyone get in his way. DA was a dynamite partner when she wasn't being horrendous, something she was all too good at these days. Some days he felt like calling off the wedding, but he knew – hoped – the craziness would pass with the wedding. As soon as they left for Tahiti, they'd be fine until something else happened. They were both stubborn, but they'd learned a lot of ways to cope with it. 

Then he'd had to have gone and slept with Janet. Whether or not that's all he did was still a mystery to him, but he didn't know what to think. Ambiguity was tough for him to deal with. He wished Janet would talk or remember. He wished he'd remember, but tequila had a tendency to completely erase his mind.

His mind wandered back to the girls' night out. He knew Wanda would probably take DA aside and give her a good beating to clear out the insanity. He felt guilty for hoping it would happen. His year-long stint with Wanda had always threatened Dorothy Ann, and he was sick of trying to explain to her that it was over. He sighed. He'd probably have to beat some sense into her as well.

* * *

"Phoebe! I'm so sorry!" DA wept. "I was so mean to you!" 

"Dorothy Ann, I really have to go." Phoebe said sleepily. "I need to feed the puppies."

"Are they cute?" DA asked. "Of course they are, they're puppies!"

Phoebe looked at the little puppies and smiled. "Yes, they're adorable. If you'd like one, I'll give it to you as a wedding gift."

"That would be so sweet! Thanks!" DA gushed. "You're the best friend I ever had!"

"They can't leave their mom for another two months, though." Phoebe explained. "I'd come back, but since Maggie had a c-section, I have to bottle-feed the pups every two hours."

"It's fine. Do your job." DA smiled. "Thanks Phoebe." She hung up. "I want another sex on the beach!" She cried to the bartender.

"Wait 'til you're in Tahiti!" Wanda laughed.

"Then you can have lots of sex on the beach." Keesha giggled.

"No way, I don't like the sand down there." DA pointed.

"That's what towels are for." Janet raised an eyebrow. "It's actually really fun."

"You've done it?" DA asked. Keesha, Wanda, and Janet all nodded.

"It's awesome." Wanda added emphatically. "In the waves…" She made wave-crashing noises.

"But what about crabs?" DA asked.

"If you get those, you just shave," Wanda started.

"THE OTHER CRABS," Keesha interrupted. "They're not really a problem."

"You've got to try it." Janet enthused. "In Tahiti, of all places."

"I'm afraid Carlos is going to be watching all those dancers shaking their butts." DA said, disappointed.

"Then you have to learn how to do it." Wanda suggested. "The forbidden dance!"

* * *

"I almost got it!" DA cried as she pulled herself off the floor for the fourteenth time that night. Janet and Wanda had been trying to teach her their best "sexy moves" using one of the bar's square pillars as a stripper pole.

"Carlos, you need to buy a stripper pole." Wanda yelled into the phone. "Yes, I am aware of what time it is."

"Stripper pole!" DA echoed, wrapping her leg around the pillar and teetering toward the floor. "THE FLOOR IS GETTING CLOSER AGAIN."

"You're doing lots better." Janet assured. "Just keep going with the flow."

"I had too much to drink." DA groaned. "My belly," she let go of the pole and collapsed on the floor. Before anyone could do anything, she began to vomit.

"Party's over, kids." Keesha sighed. "It's all good until someone throws up, then we've got to get home. Good thing no one's naked." She smiled to herself, amused at Arnold's sure disapproval of the party (since no one stripped).

* * *

DA awoke the next morning feeling terrible. She remembered promoting Janet and firing Phoebe, but that was it. She had bruises all over her legs, but didn't know why. She got up and made herself some eggs. Her phone rang, and she cringed at the noise. 

"Good morning sunshine!" Carlos said cheerfully. "How are you?"

"Very hung over and sore." DA said crankily. "Mikey's the best man again."

"Dorothy Ann, you can't keep switching." Carlos insisted.

"Why not? It's my wedding and I'll do what I want!" DA raised her voice. "Do you realize that Phoebe ditched me last night for her shaggy mutt?"

"She did?" Carlos asked, incredulous. He didn't think Phoebe would do something like that, but he had to believe DA. "But can't we have Ralphie and…"

"NO!" DA screeched. "Ralphie helped her!"

"Oh." Carlos gritted his teeth. "I'm sure there's a reason for this, just take it easy."

"What?" DA fumed. "Whose side are you on, Carlos?"

"Dorothy Ann, you need to stop being so controlling over everything. I'm sure it was an emergency." Carlos used his best calming tone.

"Fine. She's still not my maid of honor though." DA compromised reluctantly. Carlos always gave in to her. She had no idea what was wrong.

"Okay, but Ralphie's the best man. He's done a good job." Carlos started.

"HE MADE JANET RAPE YOU." DA screamed.

"Dammit, Dorothy Ann, I didn't get raped." Carlos said firmly. "If anything happened that night, then it's in the past. You know I love you."

"I just don't know." DA said quietly. "I thought everything was going to be so perfect."

"Why don't you go back to bed and worry about it later?" Carlos soothed. "Things will be just fine."

* * *

**... or will they? Stay tuned and REVIEWS ARE LOVE!  
**


	10. Carlos is nearly kicked out

**9. Carlos is nearly kicked out of the wedding**

**June 2008 – 1 day to go**

"How hard is it to get here at 5:30 on a Friday?" DA sighed. Evan was sitting on a chair, ignoring her sister, and texting her friends about how lame this stuff was.

"Well, the rush hour traffic is probably slowing everyone down." The minister rolled his eyes. He hoped the rest of the people were less insanely detail oriented than the bride, who was quite bossy and vain.

"I made it!" Carlos cried triumphantly. "And guess who I brought?"

"Don't push Mikey down the stairs!" Tim warned Arnold, who wasn't paying attention while giving Mikey a hand in meeting his brother's hectic schedule.

"I wasn't going to." Arnold almost snapped.

"Where's the girls?" Ralphie asked.

"Don't you know?" Carlos raised his eyebrows. "Why isn't Phoebe attached to your hip?"

"We can function without each other." Ralphie yawned. Despite what he said, he and Phoebe had been hand-feeding six healthy and fast-growing puppies every two hours and neither knew how the puppies or Shaggy Maggie would survive without their help. Phoebe knew she'd be miserable if she'd had to bottle feed every two hours on her own. Between the puppies and the wedding, they were both exhausted.

"So why are you so tired?" DA asked pryingly. "Have you two been engaging in coitus?"

"No, mom." Ralphie rolled his eyes.

"Don't get smart with me." DA ordered. "You'll have to control your hormones tomorrow or I'm going to disown you. You know I'm still not happy about you helping drag Phoebe away from her duties at the party."

"Uh-huh," Ralphie nodded. He had some Rolling Stones song stuck in his head. He loved the Stones, but hated that he couldn't understand a damn thing Mick Jagger said. Granted, he knew some of the words, but not enough to satisfy his need to know them ALL. He wasn't going to be able to look them up anytime soon either.

"Sorry I'm late." Phoebe burst into the room. "The traffic was terrible." She's brought the rest of the girls with her. DA didn't feel the tension rising, but she took one look at Janet and something snapped.

"YOU RUINED MY WEDDING!" DA screamed in the general direction of the girls. The minister winced.

"Holy freak-out, Batman." Carlos remarked.

"Carlos, that's it. You're out of the wedding!" DA exclaimed.

"No way!" Carlos argued. "I can't be out of the wedding."

"I know." DA was on the verge of tears. "You're stressing me out. This whole thing is stressing me out."

"It's stressing everyone out." Carlos put an arm around her cautiously. "It's even getting to mild-mannered Tim."

Ralphie could still hear echoes of the Rolling Stones' guitars and Mick Jagger's melodic rambling, giving way to a chorus of, "Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes…" He was glad he knew some of the words, even if it was only three.

"Can we get the rehearsal started?" The minister looked at his watch impatiently. After much ado, everyone was practicing the "step, together" pattern. The minister couldn't believe the stories of the honor attendant position being filled by nearly everyone in attendance, including Janet, who was there in case Phoebe or another one of the girls were demoted or something. The rehearsal itself was over in a half an hour.

"Could I say something to the group?" Janet asked DA. DA could feel her face heat up. This was taking away from her special day, and she didn't like it, but Carlos nodded. Janet put an arm around Tim's waist. "I'm pregnant!" She exclaimed. Every orifice on Dorothy Ann's face doubled in size: her nostrils flared, her jaw dropped, and her eyes widened.

"You're getting rid of it, right?" Dorothy Ann nodded enthusiastically.

"No, we're keeping it!" Tim defended.

"You can't be pregnant!" DA was incredulous. "You have to –"

"It's not your decision!" Janet interrupted; horrified that DA would even suggest something like that, in front of a member of the clergy, nonetheless.

"It could be Carlos' baby, and I'm the only one who's supposed to have his babies. It is TOO my decision." DA argued. A stunned silence fell over the group, except Ralphie, who still had the Rolling Stones stuck in his head.

"Dorothy Ann, don't you think you've gone a little far here?" The minister asked after a moment.

"Yeah," Wanda pitched in. "You wanted to kill Janet's baby."

"I DID NOT." DA yelled. "I just didn't want to deal with her hormones and drama at my wedding."

"I thought we were past this." Phoebe sighed.

"We were, then she woke up." Keesha whispered.

"WHAT?" DA demanded.

"Remember at the bachelorette party when you turned normal?" Keesha asked.

"No." DA folded her arms.

"Well you realized that you're driving us all insane." Wanda continued. "And you were crying and you called Phoebe while she was violating that dog."

"Wait, what?" Tim asked. "I knew Phoebe loved animals, but not like that!"

The minister rushed out of the room, disgusted.

* * *

Dorothy Ann was stuck in Phoebe's car with Keesha, Wanda, and Janet. She was wondering about apologizing to Phoebe for the betrayal she'd committed, but vaguely remembered being sorry. She just didn't like the idea of playing second fiddle to someone whose name started with Shaggy and who was found in a dumpster. Now with Janet being pregnant with Carlos' baby, she was about at the end of her rope. Unfortunately, Carlos' extended family, which included lots of people who encouraged Carlos' antics, was present. They were all at a medium-quality restaurant, something Dorothy Ann wasn't exactly pleased with, and she didn't like it when they all ordered beer. She was expecting an establishment with a wine list, but this was Carlos' family's idea of a party. He and Mikey had been dead-set on Golden Corral, but Dorothy Ann put her foot down at the idea of a buffet. 

"Who ordered the beer of the day?" The waitress asked, her tray full of bottles of ale. "Today it's Polygamy Porter – we order it special from Utah, so you know it's good."

"What?" Dorothy Ann's eyes widened. "I don't think that's appropriate. We're getting married tomorrow," She tried to stop the waitress, but one of Carlos' uncles stopped her.

"Of course it's appropriate. We just wanted him to have one last taste of life before he's forced into monogamy." He smiled widely.

"It's good," Carlos approved, sipping the beer. Then, in an attempt to be funny, he added, "I might need another!"

"That's the spirit!" Arnold laughed.

"I've never heard of that." Ralphie peered at the bottle.

"So it's not really the beer of the day," Mike Ramon, senior, said. "We found this place when we were skiing Park City last winter and knew you'd appreciate the joke."

"Show him the shirt!" Mirabel Ramon laughed.

Mr. Ramon unfolded a navy blue t-shirt that read "I've Tried Polygamy!" small on the front, and on the back was a large picture of a man among many wives and cherubs, with "Polygamy porter" across the top and a banner underneath asking "Why have just one?" Below the name of the brewery was "Bring some home to the wives!" and the location. Dorothy Ann's mouth hung open.

"Awesome, thanks!" Carlos beamed. "I'd wear it tomorrow, but I'll be busy acquiring wife number one."

Dorothy Ann stood up and grabbed Carlos by his arm and pulled him into a corner. "You're never wearing that shirt."

"It's hilarious!" Carlos protested. "Of course I'll wear it. Besides, it's appropriate for the bar."

"Do you want to marry me or not?" Dorothy Ann gritted her teeth.

"Chill out," Carlos sighed. "It's just a beer and a shirt. I'm not really into polygamy. You know this."

"I don't like your family's lighthearted attitude toward our wedding." DA continued.

"Well maybe they don't like your taking everything so seriously." Carlos countered. "And frankly, neither do I."

"Carlos, we're making a lifetime commitment. This isn't a joke!"

"Yeah, I know." Carlos was exasperated. "But everyone's just trying to take a break from all the stress and blow off steam."

"You guys haven't had to do anything!" DA exclaimed. "You don't know what it's like to be stressed!"

"Calm down." Carlos urged, still angry. "You haven't done this all yourself. Get over yourself."

DA was more shocked than before. "You're telling ME to get over myself?"

"Just stop." Carlos insisted. "We can have stupid fights any time, but you honestly need to realize that you've done the lion's share of driving everyone insane."

"I'm just stressed." DA tried, but suddenly remembered that this hadn't worked before. "I know everyone is stressed, but they just have no idea what I'm going through. I don't know what they are either, but still."

"Try to lighten up a little." Carlos grinned. "Things will be fine."

"Are they fighting AGAIN?" Tim rolled his eyes. "I thought they got over this when they were fifteen."

"Yeah, me too." Ralphie thought, as the damn Rolling Stones song kept playing in his head. "Here it comes," he sang under his breath.

Arnold raised his eyebrows at Ralphie, who he'd been waiting to fall asleep in his bowl of chili. It was his method of coping. "Are you fantasizing about Ralphie again?" Keesha whispered to Arnold.

"What? No!" Arnold looked at her. "Wait – did you say 'again'?"

"I did."

"When was the first time?" Arnold asked.

"Oh, probably before you leapt into his arms in third grade." Keesha replied slyly.

"I'm not gay for Ralphie." Arnold hissed.

"Whatever." Keesha grinned. "I'm just telling you that I'm okay with it."

Tim looked around the restaurant, wondering why Janet hadn't been invited to eat even though she'd rehearsed, something most of the people there hadn't done. He had a feeling it had to do with Dorothy Ann being convinced that Janet was having Carlos' baby. Tim decided to pull DA aside, seeing that she'd started her dinner.

"What?" DA asked crankily. "I'm trying to eat."

"I just had to make sure you know that there's no way Janet would know she's pregnant if it was with Carlos' baby." Tim said quickly. "You've got a lot to worry about, you don't need to concern yourself with Carlos having bastard children."

"I thought it was clear that I didn't want to talk about that." DA sighed, trying to lighten up. She was doing a good job so far. She wanted to punch Tim in the face, but she was only telling him to shut up. "How can you be sure?"

"She's been to the doctor – she's 6 weeks along." Tim said. "They did an ultrasound."

"And you saw that the baby's black?" DA asked.

"It's an ultrasound, DA, everything looks black." Tim sighed. "But it's too far along to be Carlos' kid."

"Good." DA sighed, allowing herself to be relieved. She and Tim went back to the dinner. Tim had decided not to mention that it was incredibly rude for Janet not to be invited, because he wanted to avoid more drama. Dorothy Ann was pleased that she made it to dessert without being interrupted anymore, but she was a bit angered – concerned – by Phoebe and Ralphie continually nodding off. She got up and put a hand on Phoebe's shoulder. "Make sure to get your beauty sleep tonight. You'll need it."

"Wh-what?" Phoebe stammered. "You mean for the long day tomorrow?"

"Oh yeah, right." DA kept smiling. "I'm going to go home and sleep. Hair and nail appointments for you girls are at noon."

"See you then!" Keesha said cheerfully.

"I don't want talons." Wanda sighed. "She's making us get our nails too long and square."

"I forgot about that." Phoebe yawned.

"She's doing better, right?" Carlos pressed. "Please tell me you won't mutiny."

"We're not going to mutiny." Keesha spoke for the girls.

"Speak for yourself." Wanda teased.

"That's not funny!" Carlos insisted.

"I think Ralphie's napping," Arnold called. When no one responded, he picked up a knife and prodded Ralphie with it.

"Your turn." Ralphie muttered.

"You're sleeping in public." Arnold replied.

"I'll do it later." Ralphie turned away from Arnold.

"We should draw on his face." Carlos grinned. "Tim, do you have a Sharpie?"

"That's probably a really bad idea." Phoebe warned. "I bet DA would kill you if Ralphie has a dick on his face in your wedding pictures."

"She has a point." Tim added.

"Damn." Carlos sighed.

* * *

"Do you know how tacky it is not to invite me to the dinner?" Janet raged. "Just because she thinks I slept with Carlos…" 

"I know." Tim sighed. "I can't wait for it to be over."

"You know how she wanted the wedding to be perfect?" Janet asked. "I think I never want to get married after this ordeal."

"Aw, come on," Tim grinned, pulling her into his lap. "Never is a long time."

"You know what I mean." Janet smiled back at him. "Besides, we've got other things to worry about now." She put her hand over Tim's that was on her lower abdomen.

"I knew we should've waited 'til they're in Tahiti to tell everyone." Tim sighed. "This whole thing has turned Carlos and Dorothy Ann into people I wonder why I like."

"Fortunately, things will be back to normal soon." Janet assured. She looked into Tim's dark brown eyes and grinned mischievously. "Want to go to bed?"

"You bet!" Tim winked and followed her into the bedroom.

* * *

"Why are we watching this?" Arnold groaned. He was sitting on the floor of his and Keesha's new apartment, while Keesha was on the couch massaging his head. They were watching _My Best Friend's Wedding_. 

"You love it." Keesha replied, loving the feeling of Arnold's thick curls around her hands. "You love chick flicks."

"Not all of them." Arnold argued.

"Just most of the sappy ones." Keesha grinned. She found Arnold's "secret weakness" both endearing and hilarious. "Didn't you cry during _A Walk to Remember_?"

"I thought it was mandatory to cry at that movie!" Arnold tried defending himself. "It has cancer!"

"So you cry whenever someone has cancer?" Keesha asked. "You didn't cry during the Tour de France."

"Lance Armstrong didn't have cancer." Arnold sighed. "It was gone! Guys in spandex make me cry for other reasons."

"I'm just giving you a hard time." Keesha leaned forward and kissed his forehead, then continued running her fingers through Arnold's hair. Arnold started to doze. "You're like a cat, you know that?"

"I'm not that hairy." Arnold smiled. "And I don't lick myself."

"You would if you could." Keesha teased. "I know about male fantasies."

"You do, do you?" Arnold turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Shall we test that?"

* * *

Ralphie was singing something rambling and incoherent for the past while, and Phoebe knew this meant he had the Rolling Stones stuck in his head. Ralphie had a very hard time understanding Mick Jagger, even when he looked at the lyrics. It had taken her a half an hour to convince him that the lyrics to "Beast of Burden" didn't involve "suck a duck" (rather, "suck it up") or "I'll never leave your pizza burnin'." 

"What are you singing?" She asked gently.

"I have no idea." Ralphie sounded more devastated in his state of exhaustion.

"It's okay," Phoebe put her arm around Ralphie, who rested his head on her shoulder and she rested her head on his.

"I want it out of my head. I don't understand the damn guy." Ralphie closed his eyes. Phoebe's hair was tickling his nose, so he moved. "Is it bad if the wedding is stressing me out more than college ever does?"

"No," Phoebe answered after a moment of thought. "It's been kind of crazy."

"The puppies are gone for the night?" Ralphie asked.

"Yes," Phoebe smiled at him. "We can finally get some sleep."

* * *

DA looked around her dark apartment and couldn't believe this was her last night as a single, free woman. She hadn't expected it to feel so lonely. She'd expected she'd be able to sleep. She could only lay awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the whole process up to this point. She tried to think of happy things with her and Carlos, but the sneaking suspicion that she'd really messed up her friendships wouldn't let her be. She knew Carlos was at his crappy apartment, ready to move. They'd found an apartment in Walkerville so Carlos could be near the bar and his MBA classes. DA closed her eyes and decided to let Carlos chase whatever he felt like doing. It was the sanest thing she could do. 

Carlos, meanwhile, was hoping he hadn't created a monster. Dorothy Ann had been a bit out of control lately, and he couldn't help but realize it. He tried not to worry as his phone rang.

"Carlos, I'm scared." Dorothy Ann whimpered into his ear. "Are you?"

"A little." Carlos hated to admit it, but it was worse than saying he was afraid she'd turn psycho. He'd seen it in the movies. That didn't make it real, but it made it possible. He had to address it, though; that's just the way he was. He thought a moment, then asked, "Are you feeling crazy?"

"Not really." DA looked around her dark room. "Are you feeling like a man-whore?"

"Not really." Carlos was a bit taken aback. "I didn't sleep with Janet. I think."

"It doesn't matter, just never let it happen again." DA sighed.

"Try not to go crazy again."

"I just like to have everything in order."

"You do a better job at that when you're not crazy."

"Thanks." DA smiled. "I can't sleep."

"Well, I'm really tired." Carlos admitted. "I don't know if that makes me a bad person."

"Of course it does!" DA teased. "You're supposed to stay up with me!"

"It's a bit soon to joke like that," Carlos laughed weakly. "I'm not convinced you're out of the woods."

"Sorry." DA bit her lip. "I'll try again in a week."

"Only if you're sane." Carlos teased. "But I think it says a lot about our relationship if we can survive the madness of planning this shindig, right?"

"Hell yes."

* * *

**I don't own Wasatch Brewery or Polygamy Porter, but it was actually the beer of the day at my friends' rehearsal dinner.**

**The song in Ralphie's head is "19th Nervous Breakdown," by the Rolling Stones. I don't own it either.**

**Next: the ceremony and TONS O FLUFF.**


	11. Harry isn't in this chapter

**10. Harry isn't in this chapter  
**

**June 21, 2008**

Dorothy Ann looked at herself in the mirror as her bridesmaids zipped her dress. Her blonde hair was in an elegant, curly updo with her ivory veil pinned in. Her tanned – but not too tanned – skin glowed ethereally and was complimented by the warm ivory dress. Diamond earrings glinted in the light, dangling slightly from her earlobes.

"You look wonderful!" Phoebe gasped.

"Do I have to wear this yellow thing?" Evan rolled her eyes.

"You're the maid of honor and it's just a sash." Dorothy Ann said patiently. Somehow, her insanity had disappeared (for the most part) overnight.

* * *

"Can you at least brush your hair?" Carlos snapped at Arnold. "You look like you just rolled out of bed." 

"I did brush it." Arnold was perplexed. "It doesn't look messy." He inspected himself in the mirror.

"Can't you get it to look more like Ralphie's or Tim's?" Carlos asked. Ralphie's hair was plastered close to his head with some mystery hair junk.

"I'm changing my hair, dude." Ralphie scowled in the mirror. "I look like I fell into a vat of grease."

"You look classy." Carlos tried. He was in the bathroom, trying to perfect his own look and hadn't even seen Ralphie.

"I'm not using a ton of hair oil." Arnold insisted. "I'm not going to look like a used car salesman." He looked at Ralphie, who was trying to figure out how to get his hair unglued from his head.

"I look like a really seedy mobster." Ralphie complained.

"It's not my fault you're Italian." Carlos tried.

"You'd look just as bad if your hair was slicked back with this oil crap. Where did you get it anyway?" Ralphie wondered.

"Hey, Mikey, get out here." Carlos called.

"No way!" Mikey cried. "I look like the sleaziest Mexican I've ever seen. People are going to either think I'm selling them burritos or trying to steal their hubcaps!"

"Yeah, there's no way that stuff is touching my precious hair." Arnold raised an eyebrow at himself and made coy faces in the mirror.

"I'm glad my hair's easy.' Tim smiled. His hair was trimmed close to his head for the wedding.

"I think I'm breaking out from this lard." Ralphie complained.

"I think I can see my face in Ralphie's hair." Tim commented.

"That's it, I'm washing it out in the sink." Ralphie loosened his tie and went to the bathroom.

"Get in line!" Mikey yelled. "Grandpa's pomade was a very bad idea, Carlos."

"Isn't there a shower in there?" Ralphie looked around.

"You're not showering in front of us." Carlos said plainly.

"I'll just stick my head in." Ralphie offered.

"Bad idea, Ralphie." Tim called. "You'll get your tux soaked."

"Damn." Ralphie sighed.

"Can't you just leave it?" Carlos asked, then looked up at Ralphie. "Holy cow, they weren't joking."

"I'm washing it out before I get zits all over my head." Ralphie stuck to his guns.

"If we're having this much trouble with our hair, imagine what the girls are going through." Arnold put some mousse in his hair and began sculpting.

* * *

"KEESHA!" Wanda cried. "I'M SO SICK OF THIS SONG!" 

"It's the best song for the situation." Keesha replied. She'd been playing "Chapel of Love" on repeat for the past hour while the girls leisurely applied makeup. They'd all had their hair done at a salon a few hours earlier.

"Do you think Wanda has enough hairspray in her hair?" Phoebe asked. Wanda was terrified of her curls falling out.

"I think my hair might still move when I turn my head." Wanda added.

"Hang on, I'll go get some stuff from Arnold." Keesha said. The girls looked at her incredulously. "He has better hair products than any girl I've met."

"Hm," Dorothy Ann continued fussing with her veil. "Evan, am I lopsided?"

"You look fine." Evan smiled weakly. She was trying to be happy for her sister, but she was still angry about having to wear yellow and curly hair. She didn't like being at the mercy of her older sister, especially not when she could be hanging out with her friends.

"DA, the guys won't let me see Carlos before he's ready." Keesha called. "They want you to say something."

"Since when do the guys care about what Carlos looks like?" Wanda asked.

"That or Ralphie's showering, I don't know." Keesha shrugged.

"Tell them I'm not going over there." DA insisted. "The wedding starts in half an hour."

"Wow," Phoebe whispered. "It's here."

* * *

"Ralphie, will you get the green bottle of hairspray over there?" Arnold asked. 

"I'M TRYING TO GET THIS LARD OUT OF MY HAIR." Ralphie managed from the shower. He'd compromised and was leaning, shirtless, into the shower and his voice was garbled.

"I got it." Mikey grabbed the bottle. "It's going to Keesha, right?"

"Right." Arnold smiled.

"You guys realize we only have thirty minutes, right?" Keesha said loudly.

"Shit," Carlos muttered under his breath.

"I'll help you with your hair." Arnold offered. Carlos nodded eagerly.

"Thanks for the hairspray, Arn," Keesha called as she grabbed the doorknob.

"You're welcome!" Arnold smiled. Keesha shut the door. "Now, I'm going to put mousse in your hair." Arnold squirted a large, white blob of foam into his hand.

"I don't know, Arnold, this seems kind of gay." Carlos said uneasily.

"Do you want your hair to look awesome, like mine, or like it hasn't been washed in years, like Ralphie's?" Arnold raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Alright, put the crap in my hair." Carlos sighed. "What's this for?"

"Volume." Arnold rubbed the mousse through Carlos' hair.

* * *

"Where are they?" Dorothy Ann wondered. "I'm going to go get Carlos." 

"You can't!" Phoebe protested. "It's bad luck!"

"Plus, you don't want to be late for your own wedding," Keesha added. Janet was lurking about, taking pictures.

"It didn't stop Carlos." Wanda muttered.

"He's only a minute late." Evan tried to reassure everyone. "I'll go make sure they're okay."

As Evan walked off, the girls wondered why she was suddenly being nice.

* * *

"See how much better you look?" Arnold asked. He'd spent the last 45 minutes on Carlos' hair. 

"Oh yeah!" Carlos grinned. "I look awesome! Thanks, Arn."

"Okay, then take back what you said about my hair." Arnold insisted.

"What did I say?" Carlos asked.

"That it looked like I just rolled out of bed." Arnold's tone was firm.

"Your hair looked wonderful." Carlos sighed. "There, is that better?"

* * *

"Is everything okay back here?" The minister asked the girls who'd gathered in a waiting room outside the chapel, not letting his eyes meet Phoebe, who he still believed had a "special love" for animals. 

"We're still missing all the groomsmen," Dorothy Ann said nervously. "And the maid of honor."

"Okay, I'll let Mr. Ramon keep entertaining the guests." The minister sighed and went back into the chapel.

"Where the hell is Evan?" Dorothy Ann hissed. It had been nearly 20 minutes since Evan had gone to talk to Carlos and she knew Carlos' father was no better at entertaining waiting people than Carlos was.

"Go find her, Phoebe." Wanda ordered.

"You can't boss Phoebe around," Keesha started.

"That's right, it's _my _wedding!" Dorothy Ann finished. "Phoebe, go find her!"

Phoebe sighed. "I knew I was going to end up going." She walked to the guys' suite and knocked on the door. "Have you seen Evan?" She asked before the door opened.

"Phoebe! What are you doing here?" Ralphie asked. His hair was no longer slicked right against his head, but he hadn't been successful at getting all the grease out of it. "You look nice." He smiled.

"You look – like you're having hair problems." Phoebe grinned. "What's taking so long?"

"Carlos' hair." Ralphie replied. "He didn't want Arnold to look better than him, so Arnold did his hair."

"Are they ready for me?" Carlos called.

"We've been ready for 15 minutes!" Phoebe replied.

"Oh shit!" Carlos yelped. "I'll be right there."

"Have you guys seen Evan?" Phoebe asked. Ralphie shook his head. "I have to find her." She rushed off.

"Come on, guys, let's go." Carlos got up and opened the fridge for the boutonnières.

"You mean I have to go with my hair looking like this?" Ralphie asked.

"There's no time." Carlos shrugged. "Just don't stare at any kids for a long time."

* * *

Phoebe ran back to the bridal suite and found the door unlocked. She was sure Dorothy Ann had locked it, and only one person had the key – Evan. She flung the door open and coughed on some foul, skunky smoke. Stunned, she shut the door again and ran back to the bridal party. 

"What? Where's Evan?" Dorothy Ann asked.

"I – you have to see this." Phoebe stuttered to Wanda.

"Can I see?" DA asked.

"Sure!" Wanda smiled as Phoebe shook her head. "Where?"

"The bridal suite." Phoebe sighed.

"What's going on?" Carlos asked.

"Evan may or may not be smoking…" Phoebe's voice trailed off. Carlos took off after DA and Wanda.

"Oh shit." Arnold said.

"I didn't know she was into that." Tim said to Mikey.

Dorothy Ann's shriek was audible throughout the reception center. The minister came back into the waiting area where the bridal party was. "What's happening now?" He asked.

"I think the maid of honor is – um, sick." Phoebe managed.

"We can't wait much longer." The minister forced himself to look at Phoebe.

"We'll start as soon as they get back." Ralphie promised. Carlos and DA ran back with Evan and Wanda in tow.

"Mikey, Ralphie, switch ties." Carlos ordered. Evan had been stripped of her maid of honor sash. "Phoebe, give your sash to Evan."

"You can't change the lineup at the last second!" Tim insisted.

"Yes I can." Carlos said determinedly. "Sorry, Mikey, you're demoted. Child molester, you're up first."

"I don't look like a child molester!" Ralphie argued. "Don't we have to switch flowers?"

"Oh shit." Carlos took Mikey's boutonnière off while Ralphie pulled the pin out of his own, and they switched as deftly as if it had been rehearsed.

Arnold motioned for the minister to come back. "The rings," Mikey reached in his pocket.

"Right!" Ralphie extended his hand and Mikey placed them in his opened palm.

"Get Mr. Ramon to stop telling his lame jokes, we're ready." Arnold whispered.

"Oh, last minute drama." Wanda tied Phoebe's sash and distributed the bouquets. Evan was scowling. Janet poked her head in with her camera.

"Are you guys ready yet?" She asked, and everyone nodded. "I'm going to start the CD." Carlos dashed out to the side entrance to the chapel.

"Do I really look sleazy?" Ralphie whispered to Phoebe.

"You look fine." Phoebe smiled and turned to DA. "So we're doing what we did yesterday only sooner?"

"Yes. Go." Dorothy Ann tapped Phoebe on the back. The doors opened and she and Ralphie walked down the aisle just as they'd rehearsed, followed by Evan and Mikey, then Arnold and Keesha, and finally Arnold and Tim. DA's youngest cousins were the ring bearer and flower girl.

At last, the music changed and the minister announced, "All rise for the bride." The guests all stood and turned to watch Richard Mauer escort his daughter down the aisle. When the two reached the alter, the minister began. "Dear friends and family, with great affection for Carlos and Dorothy Ann we have gathered together to witness and bless their union in marriage. To this sacred moment they bring the fullness of their hearts as a treasure and a gift from God to share with one another. They bring the dreams which bind them together in an eternal commitment. They bring their gifts and talents, their unique personalities and spirits, which God will unite together into one being as they build their life together. We rejoice with them in thankfulness to the Lord for creating this union of hearts, built on friendship, respect and love. We will now say an opening prayer." Still standing, the congregation bowed their heads. "Our Father, love has been Your richest and greatest gift to the world. Love between a man and woman which matures into marriage is one of Your most beautiful types of loves. Today we celebrate that love. May your blessing be on this wedding service. Protect, guide, and bless Carlos and Dorothy Ann in their marriage. Surround them and us with Your love now and always. Amen."

"Amen," the congregation echoed.

The minister took a deep breath and smiled before continuing. "Doubly blessed is the couple which comes to the marriage altar with the approval and blessings of their families and friends. Who has the honor of presenting this woman to be married to this man?"

"Her mother and I do." Richard replied, then sat next to Ellen, bringing the flower girl and ring bearer with him. Dorothy Ann took Carlos' arm and they stood facing the minister.

"Carlos and Dorothy Ann, the covenant which you are about to make with each other is meant to be a beautiful and sacred expression of your love for each other. As you pledge your vows to each other, and as you commit your lives to each other, we ask that you do so in all seriousness, and yet with a deep sense of joy; with the deep conviction that you are committing yourselves to a dynamic growing relationship of trust, mutual support, and caring love." He turned a page and took a deep breath before continuing. "Carlos and Dorothy Ann, you have made a very serious and important decision in choosing to marry each other today. You are entering into a sacred covenant as life partners in God. The quality of your marriage will reflect what you put into nurturing this relationship. You have the opportunity to go forward from this day to create a faithful, kind, and tender relationship. We bless you this day. It is up to you to keep the blessings flowing each and every day of your lives together. We wish for you the wisdom, compassion, and constancy to create a peaceful sanctuary in which you can both grow in love."

Phoebe's eyes were filled with tears, something which made Wanda want to laugh. Keesha did her best to deter her with stares. Evan was hungry. Dorothy Ann didn't realize how long the minister had to talk in wedding ceremonies before.

Ralphie was hoping he didn't look like a child molester. Arnold hoped his hair hadn't wilted too much in the long wait until pictures were taken. Tim was hoping it would be over soon. Mikey was hoping his family didn't expect him to get married for a while. Carlos couldn't believe it was taking this long to get to that one moment where he'd be married for the first time.

The minister continued, "Carlos, do you understand and accept this responsibility, and do you promise to do your very best each day to create a loving, healthy, and happy marriage?"

Carlos had been waiting for the part where he got to say something. "Yes, I do." He said, looking at Dorothy Ann.

"Dorothy Ann, do you understand and accept this responsibility, and do you promise to do your very best each day to create a loving, healthy, and happy marriage?"

"Yes, I do." Dorothy Ann's eyes were misty as she looked through her veil at Carlos. The minister motioned for them to turn and face each other, which they did. Dorothy Ann handed Phoebe her bouquet and took Carlos' hands. The minister had Carlos repeating after him, but Dorothy Ann only heard Carlos' words.

"I love you, Dorothy Ann, as I love no other." Carlos said sincerely. "All that I am I share with you. I take you to be my wife through health and sickness, through plenty and want, through joy and sorrow, now and forever."

"Dorothy Ann, repeat after me." The minister turned to her. She couldn't control the stream of tears down her face, and neither could Phoebe, who was next to her.

"I love you, Carlos, as I love no other." Dorothy Ann smiled. "All that I am I share with you. I take you to be my husband through health and sickness, through plenty and want, through joy and sorrow, now and forever." The minister motioned to Ralphie, who produced the rings.

"The wedding ring is a symbol of eternity." The minister reminded the couple. "It is an outward sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites two hearts in endless love. And now as a token of your love and of your deep desire to be forever united in heart and soul, you, Carlos, may place a ring on the finger of your bride."

"Dorothy Ann, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and faithfulness to you." Carlos said with minimal prompting from the minister.

"By the same token, Dorothy Ann, you may place a ring on the finger of your groom."

"Carlos," Dorothy Ann's voice cracked a bit. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and faithfulness to you."

"Because Carlos and Dorothy Ann have desired each other in marriage, and have witnessed this before God and our gathering, affirming their acceptance of the responsibilities of such a union, and have pledged their love and faith to each other, sealing their vows in the giving and receiving of rings, I do proclaim that they are husband and wife in the sight of God and man. Let all people here and everywhere recognize and respect this holy union, now and forever. Carlos, you may now kiss the bride." Carlos lifted Dorothy Ann's veil and they kissed a passionate, sweet kiss. When they pulled apart, the minister grinned."It is now my privilege to introduce to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Carlos and Dorothy Ann Ramon." The recessional played and the newly married couple bounded back down the aisle to applause. Ralphie and Phoebe followed, then the rest of the wedding party in the order they'd come up. They ran to a room where Carlos and Dorothy Ann signed their wedding certificate.

"We did it!" Dorothy Ann hugged Carlos.

"It's lasted a whole minute!" Carlos replied ecstatically. "Has anyone lost a bet yet?"

"Come on, we're not betting on that." Tim grinned.

"I need the best man and maid of honor to sign as witnesses." The minister said. Weddings put him in a better mood, even though this one had definitely been among the more interesting ones. Janet snapped pictures.

"All right, let's get ready to party." Carlos exclaimed.

* * *

**More fun and madness at the reception, which will be the last chapter.**


	12. This is classic Evan

**11. This is classic Evan  
**

**June 21, 2008 (still)**

The cocktail hour was in full swing. Harry hung around awkwardly by himself. Everyone he knew, even Janet, was taking pictures. The ceremony had been great, but a little weird as he was alone. He stood there, sipping a Long Island Iced Tea. Dorothy Ann's family had paid for an open bar, so this was going to be an interesting party. Finally, Wanda and the rest came out.

"You look fantastic!" Harry said, putting his drink down and kissing Wanda briefly.

"Thanks!" Wanda smiled. "You don't look so bad yourself." She looked at him coyly. "I see you found the bar."

"What would you do if you had to wait for your hot date all by yourself?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, but I think we're going to mingle a bit." Wanda sighed. "You can come with."

"Hey, come check out the sign I made!" Mikey called, waving the wedding party over. Harry and Janet dutifully followed. Mikey had arranged the letters on the sign to read "CARLOS RAMON & DITKA WEDDING" because his brother loved the Bears. "Take a picture!" He laughed.

"That's the best thing I've seen all day!" Tim took a picture with his cell phone.

"It should be the cover of the wedding album." Ralphie quipped.

"What are you guys laughing about?" Dorothy Ann asked, then saw the sign and giggled. "Does that mean I'm changing my name to 'Ditka'?"

"You'd do that for me?" Carlos looked happier than a kid who'd just won a shopping spree at Toys 'R Us.

"That's pushing it." DA laughed. Her dad had the microphone and was starting a speech. "Shoot, we've got to get over there!"

* * *

Just after the presenting of the new couple, Carlos and DA had their first dance to the Bangles' "Eternal Flame," which they'd first danced to in junior high during one of their more heated fighting periods. Of course, no one remembered the animosity between them at the point. They just looked so peaceful and happy, swaying back and forth to the rhythm. They shared the smiles and whispers that every couple does during their first dance while everyone watched. The wedding party – including a very reluctant Evan – and their dates were all standing near each other. Phoebe cried again, and Ralphie put his arm around her. 

"This is probably the cheesiest song they could've picked." Keesha whispered.

"I had to talk Carlos out of 'Everything I Do.'" Arnold sighed. "That's SO much worse."

"Wait, this song was Carlos' idea?" Keesha laughed.

"It's the first song he remembers dancing with her to." Arnold shrugged. "But he likes 'Everything I Do' better. He didn't want the song to be a 'girl' song."

"I thought Carlos liked girls." Keesha mused.

"So after this," Wanda whispered in Harry's ear, "we're going to have the toasts, then there's the food, then the cutting of the cake, then they're having a big dance break. Hang on an hour and a half." She slid her fingers underneath his belt in the back.

"I don't know if I can," Harry whispered back. "You sure we can't go now?"

"Crap, we're supposed to be dancing." Wanda noticed the rest of the bridal party had gone to dance, except Mikey, leaving Tim with Evan.

"Why do I have to dance with you?" Evan wrinkled her nose.

"The feeling is mutual." Tim said politely.

"Sorry I keep crying." Phoebe said. "I just get sentimental."

"I know." Ralphie smiled. "Sorry I keep asking if I look like a child molester."

"It's okay." Phoebe smiled back at him. "You don't have any zits, by the way."

"Thanks." Ralphie sighed. "I'm going to have to take several showers tonight."

"I can't believe it's over!" Keesha exclaimed happily.

"Almost." Arnold reminded her. "They can still go insane for a few more hours." They grinned widely at each other. At last, the song wound down.

"Finally, it's over!" Wanda cried out a bit too loudly. "That's the cheesiest damn song I've ever heard."

"Okay, we're going to cut the cake now," Mikey, who was acting as the MC, announced into the mic. "Then we'll hear from the best man and maid of honor, then we can eat."

"Oh no, the toasts." Ralphie and Phoebe said, nearly in unison.

Carlos and DA took great care in cutting the cake. Carlos took a bit of cake and smashed it in the general vicinity of DA's mouth. Of course, she retaliated by wiping her bit all over his face, much to the disgust of some of the guests who felt it was poorly masked contempt or a preview of the wedding night. Most of the guests enjoyed it. "And now Ralphie, the best man, has a toast."

"Um," Ralphie stood up. "Carlos and Dorothy Ann have known each other, as most of you know, since we were in third grade. They decided they pretty much hated each other and would always argue with each other. Well, to those of us who were watching more closely, they weren't just fighting. They were constantly challenging each other and trying to prove they were better. We all knew that Carlos liked DA. We dared him to kiss her in seventh grade, and he did. They were the first to get together out of all of us, and now they're the first to get married. Sometimes Carlos is an arrogant, annoying idiot, but DA is the best person he could've found to put up with it when she needs to and to call him on it when it's gone too far. We just wish she'd keep him from being an idiot more often. And, um, this wedding has been full of ups and downs, just like I'm sure their marriage will be, because that's how their relationship was. Like I said, if DA would just smack Carlos upside the head more often and tell him he's being a moron, everyone will be happy." Despite the fact that Ralphie was making his speech up, he got a good reception. "Congrats you two, you've met your matches." He raised his glass and looked at Phoebe.

"Well, I can't take issue with that." Phoebe smiled. "Although I'm not advocating domestic abuse, I hope that Carlos tells DA when she ought to stop it with her know-it-all routine. DA and Carlos have really been through a lot already. They haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but they're honestly each other's best match." She stopped, realizing her speech wasn't as good as Ralphie's. "And also, what he said." She raised her glass and the guests did the same.

"Thanks everyone for coming – if I could have these three tables get their food," Ellen Mauer pointed.

* * *

At the end of dinner, Mikey picked the mic back up. "Before you all dance, could I have all the single women come to the center of the floor here?" The reception was moving forward at a quick pace to be considerate of guests who didn't want to stay all night for all the classic moments. 

"All right, here's the moment we've all been waiting for." Keesha said sarcastically.

"Can we just skip this part?" Wanda sighed. "What happens if no one catches it?"

"Let's find out, shall we?" Janet, who'd given Tim the camera for the event, winked.

Carlos spun DA around a few times. "Don't aim!" He called and a bunch of the men laughed. DA tossed a bouquet (not the same one she'd carried down the aisle – that was being preserved) to a bunch of unenthused young women. The bouquet soared through the air, hit Phoebe on the head, and fell to the ground. DA turned around.

"Well?" She asked.

"No one caught it." Mikey laughed into the mic. "I think we'll have to try again. No one even tried."

"What?" DA laughed. "You just let it fall?"

"I forgot we're supposed to want it." Keeesha smirked.

"It hit Phoebe – I think that counts." Wanda tried.

"You weren't supposed to aim!" Phoebe scolded.

"You're tall!" DA argued playfully, picking up her bouquet. "Try to get excited about it this time." She grinned.

Carlos spun her around again. "I'm expecting a catfight this time." He told the group of ladies.

"I'll do my best." Keesha said sarcastically. DA tossed the bouquet again, higher this time. A swarm of eager hands reached toward it. Phoebe wasn't sure why exactly she was reaching for the bouquet, and neither was Keesha or Wanda. Something about the romanticism of the moment made the bouquet an irresistible object. Phoebe smiled. It was nearly in her hands. Suddenly, someone slammed into her side, causing her to knock over Wanda, who knocked Keesha down. The three landed in a heap on the floor with a loud "OOF!"

"I got it!" Janet cried shrilly.

"I think I got a goose egg from you elbowing me in the face," Wanda said to Phoebe.

"Your fat ass could've broken my arm!" Keesha argued.

"I might have broken my butt." Phoebe panted. The wind had been knocked out of her.

"Where's Evan?" DA asked, looking at the heap of purple-clad casualties.

"Not again." Wanda sighed. "Do you want me to beat her?"

"Don't ask me that now, I'm not reasonable." DA clenched her teeth.

"I've got an idea." Keesha said, getting up and going across the room. Tim gave Janet back the camera and she kissed his cheek.

"You know what this means," Janet winked.

"It means you'll kill me if I don't catch the garter." Tim grinned.

Dorothy Ann had looked forward to the chance of showing off her legs – something that was the highlight of the garter toss, as far as she was concerned. She placed her foot on a chair and pulled back the skirt and petticoats to expose her tanned, toned leg to much wolf-whistling. About two-thirds of the way up her thigh (not her leg, mind you, her _thigh_) a hot pink garter clung to her skin, edged in light pink lace. She fluttered her eyelashes coyly at her adorers, who cheered.

"Cut it out!" Carlos protested, grinning. He felt that he was obligated to feel protective of DA, but he loved the approval he was getting. He'd bragged about how great her legs looked, but it was nice to get validation. He looked at DA and licked his teeth seductively.

"Stop being an idiot." DA laughed. "I'm not going to stand here like this all night."

"Come on," Carlos winked.

"Seriously, Carlos, I'm giving a free peep show." DA's tone sobered. She loved the attention, but wanted to keep things moving.

"Fine." Carlos knelt on the ground and put his teeth on the light pink lace. The crowd of single guys decided not to repeat the girls' joke and instead groaned that DA didn't have a Batman garter (although Carlos had tried). He finally pulled the garter off DA's leg and stretched it out between his two hands and shot it straight into the air.

"Get the pink thing, Arnold, GET IT!" Ralphie cheered.

"I'm not going to get it! That means I have to pose with Janet for a picture." Arnold wrinkled his nose.

"You could marry her in Arkansas," Ralphie suggested.

"Imagine how perfect your kids' hair would be!" Tim prodded. Arnold paused a moment.

"Sick!" He exclaimed.

"Line-breeding is actually a great – holy shit, I've been helping Phoebe study breeding theory for too long." Ralphie sighed.

"I'm not banging my cousin!" Arnold yelled.

Carlos took on a serious tone. "Banging your cousin is perverted, Arnold."

"I got it!" Tim cried.

"Alright, pose with Janet." Carlos sighed.

"Well, who's going to take the picture?" Janet wondered.

* * *

Dancing was well underway when Evan finally emerged from the bridal suite. She ran up to her sister, eager to tell her something. "DA, Phoebe's having sex!" Evan cried. 

"First of all, why should I believe you?" DA exclaimed. "You reek of weed."

"I do not." Evan argued. "Where's the cake?"

"Second, isn't that Phoebe right there?" DA pointed.

"Fine, then, I heard Ralphie having sex." Evan insisted. "I saw him go into the bridal room thing, then I heard loud noises."

"I highly doubt that." DA rolled her eyes. "You're high."

"I'm not! I swear it was Ralphie!" Evan whined. "And I'm not high."

"Evan Marie Mauer, get yourself over here NOW!" Ellen cried.

"Busted," Keesha said sing-songily.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked.

"Oh, Evan just came out from getting baked in the bridal suite – again. This is classic Evan." Arnold said dishily. "She is _such_ a stoner."

"What?" Tim walked up to them. "What happened?"

"Oh, Evan just came out from getting baked in the bridal suite – again. This is classic Evan." Arnold echoed.

"Stop that, it's creepy." Keesha laughed and playfully smacked Arnold on the arm.

"Phoebe!" DA called, rushing over to Phoebe, who was finishing up a piece of cake and talking to Ralphie.

"What?" Phoebe asked politely.

"I need you to grab something from the bridal suite." DA said. "I need more, um… lipstick."

"Fine." Phoebe sighed.

"You don't need lipstick, do you?" Ralphie asked suspiciously.

"Were you having sex a few minutes ago?" DA asked, then thought a second. "Or anytime during the reception? I won't get mad, I just want to know."

"What?" Ralphie put his hand up to his head, then quickly pulled it back lest he increase his likelihood of breaking out even further. "No, why?"

"So you weren't noisily," DA began.

"No!" Ralphie repeated. "Why?"

"Evan swears she saw you go into the bridal suite, and…" DA began.

"You sent Phoebe in there to see who it was?" Ralphie finished.

"Tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing." DA put her hands on her hips. "Phoebe's the only one gullible enough to fall for that."

"I might've sent Carlos in, but I know what you mean." Ralphie smiled. Phoebe appeared at the bottom of the stairs and marched straight toward them.

"I hate you." Phoebe handed DA the lipstick and kept walking.

"Who was it?" DA asked eagerly. Phoebe turned around and spoke slowly through gritted teeth.

"Wanda and Harry, and it was _not_ a pretty sight!" Phoebe said. "I think I might have to puke now."

* * *

"Where are you guys going?" Keesha asked casually as Ralphie, Tim, Arnold, Harry, and Mikey tried to sneak by the girls. 

"We're going – uh," Arnold started.

"Oh," Keesha nodded knowingly.

"What?" Wanda asked. "I don't get it."

"To get something out of my car." Tim said convincingly.

"You have a motorcycle!" Wanda exclaimed.

"They're going to trash Carlos' car." Phoebe whispered in her ear.

"I want to come!" Wanda said a bit too loudly. "Can I please come?" She whispered.

"You can't, it'll be too obvious." Mikey said quietly.

"Like it's not obvious already," Keesha winked.

"See! I can come, can't I?" Wanda pleaded.

"Girls aren't invited!" Ralphie said quickly and the guys turned to run off.

"Why not?" Wanda asked in her best begging voice. Harry turned around.

"Bears." Arnold grabbed Harry's arm.

"Your period will attract the bears." Harry said. "I'll be right back." The guys disappeared out the back door.

"Let's trash something they can't." Wanda decided.

"We could … steal their clothes," Keesha thought out loud.

"Oh, we're doing it." Phoebe grinned wickedly.

* * *

"I don't think shuffling their credit cards is a good idea, Wanda." Phoebe said uneasily. 

"It's _funny._" Wanda insisted, pulling credit cards from Tim's wallet. "Oh look, Tim has a Victoria's Secret card!"

"We could just blackmail him." Keesha added. "Aw, Ralphie has a picture of you in his wallet, Pheebs."

"Where did he get that?" Phoebe demanded, grabbing the wallet. "That's my senior picture!"

"I bet he's been obsessed with you since senior year." Wanda's eyes widened. "And he's carried your picture around with you and kissed it."

"No way." Phoebe retorted. "It's just the best picture he could find of me, I bet."

"You hope." Keesha laughed. "How about we just take some of the extraneous stuff and hold it for a while?"

"Fine." Wanda scowled. "But shuffling their cards all together and dealing them back out at random is too funny – hey, what's this?"

"What?" Phoebe asked, pulling an old condom out of Arnold's wallet.

"Is that a condom in Arnold's wallet?" Wanda pointed.

"Yeah, so?" Phoebe looked around. "What was the thing you asked about?"

"The condom…" Wanda said as though it were obvious.

"Oh," Phoebe replied.

"Why?" Wanda asked.

"It sounded like you found something in Tim's wallet." Keesha explained.

"No, other than the Victoria's Secret card, it's pretty boring." Wanda shrugged.

* * *

"We're about to go now, will you go get the car, Phoebe?" Dorothy Ann asked. "My keys are in my purse." 

"Sure," Phoebe went to the bridal suite to get the keys.

"This is a pretty awesome party mansion," Janet nodded in approval to Tim. "I'll have to remember it."

"Yeah," Tim grinned. "I like it."

"I can't wait to go home," Arnold yawned.

"Yeah, it'll be nice when this whole thing is over." Keesha put her hand in his back pocket.

"You just wanted to touch my butt, didn't you?" Arnold asked slyly.

"I can't help if there's a ton of unresolved sexual tension in this room, okay?" Keesha laughed.

"Wow, they did it." Mikey remarked.

"I know. That's so cool." Ralphie observed. "I'm surprised that it went as well as it did. Carlos was so cool, you know?" He asked. "In the 'calm' way."

"Yeah, sort of." Mikey smiled. "He was very cool for a guy getting married."

"He's totally going to bang your sister." Ralphie remarked to Evan.

"I KNOW." Evan said loudly. "Everyone knows that."

"Her sister is going to bang your brother." Ralphie said to Mikey.

"Are you drunk?" Mikey asked.

"A little." Ralphie shrugged. "It makes this kind of event so much more fun."

"All right, we're off to Tahiti!" Dorothy Ann called, waving to the small crowd that was left.

"Don't miss us too much!" Carlos teased.

"And Tim, Janet – don't get married until we come back!" DA laughed as they disappeared through the door.

"Too late," Janet whispered.

* * *

**Yes, it ends there. :)**


End file.
